


With Loving Eyes and Full Hearts

by ar_lath_ma



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adoribull - Freeform, After Halamshiral, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blow Jobs, Cullenlingus (Dragon Age), Cunnilingus, Daddy Cullen, Discussion of Abortion, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Maybe a little OOC, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Oral Sex, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, Romance, Sex, Smut, Suicide, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, no actual abortion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:14:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22649989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ar_lath_ma/pseuds/ar_lath_ma
Summary: In the aftermath of Halamshiral and Adamant, Ellana Lavellan found herself safely back at Skyhold, finally able to explore parts of her relationship with the Commander they hadn't been able to, before. After their first night together in the Commander's office, the Inquisitor finds herself changing. Physically. With the threat of Corypheus destroying the world as they know it, Ellana must come to a decision - one that could either bring her and the Commander closer together, or tear them apart.OrIn which the Inquisitor falls pregnant.Many thanks toEravalefantasyfor being a wonderful beta
Comments: 59
Kudos: 111





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm currently looking for a beta for this fic. If anyone is interested, please send me a message. This is slightly edited, and will most likely be more heavily edited later, as is my way of things.
> 
> constructive criticism is welcome.
> 
> tumblr: cullensawkwardneckscratch
> 
> prompts are welcome!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited and updated Feb. 20th, 2020
> 
> tumblr: cullensawkwardneckscratch
> 
> prompts are welcome!

_"It’s all I have to bring today—_

_This, and my heart beside—_

_This, and my heart, and all the fields—_

_And all the meadows wide—_

_Be sure you count—should I forget_

_Some one the sum could tell—_

_This, and my heart, and all the Bees_

_Which in the Clover dwell."_

_-_ Emily Dickinson

As the sun rose above the vast mountain chain surrounding Skyhold and beams of light illuminated the musty carpet upon her floor, Ellana Lavellan awoke.

With a stretch of arms above her mussed chestnut hair, she sat up, rubbing the last remnants of sleep from her eyes. She turned to the empty half of the bed beside her, long gone cold, and dreamily sighed, then smiled faintly. Ellana threw her legs over the side of the bed and stood. The carpet was cool beneath her feet, and she shivered at the breeze coming through from underneath the balcony doors, rustling her sleep clothes, though the sun was slowly heating the air of her vast room. The coming of spring had been a blessing, as she no longer needed to have a fire consistently burning throughout cold winter nights. It helped that she now had another body to warm her bed.

Thinking of him, she smiled and moved toward her desk, picking up her brush as she began to sit, pulling her mirror towards her. Ellana checked out her reflection in the mirror and chuckled quietly at how messy she looked. Her forest green and tawny eyes were more red than usual, due to little sleep, though she felt more satiated than she had in a while. _Worth it,_ she thought as she gently pulled the bristles of her brush through her tangled, wavy hair a few times before setting the brush down to braid it, reminiscing about the night before. 

Long after she had fallen asleep, a quiet knock at her door late into the night had woken her abruptly. When Ellana had opened it, she had found Cullen standing before her, still wearing his armor and looking sheepish, scratching the back of his neck. He had looked quite awake in comparison to the late time.

“Cullen,” she felt a bit self-conscious in her thin nightdress and tried not to cross her arms over her chest to better conceal herself, though it was difficult not to. He had already seen her without clothes in the candlelight of his office (on his desk) about a week before. Things had been a bit awkward since then, and it was difficult to meet eyes when they both would break out into a nervous sweat and blush tomato-red. Leliana and Josephine were quite tired of them both. The thought of their night together still turned her cheeks rosy. Ellana imagined Cullen noticing the outline of her breasts through her papery shift, and that made her turn an even deeper shade of crimson. _By the Dread Wolf._ “Is something the matter?”

With his eye downcast toward the floor, Cullen’s awkward scratching of neck drew attention to his unusually pink face.

“Ah, Inqui - Ellana, I’m sorry to have woken you. If I had known you were already asleep, I would have…” 

“Nonsense,” She couldn’t help but smile, moving aside to allow him to pass into her quarters. “It’s no bother. Please, come in.”

Cullen’s eyes darted up towards her face, hesitating slightly on the way, before returning to his feet. The tips of his rounded ears were red. _They turned the same when I bit them,_ she thought.

“I, ah... “ He stopped, looking unsure of himself. Ellana reached forward and grasped his arm, bringing it down from his neck. She slid their palms together, intertwining their fingers, and pulled him inside before he could protest. He didn’t though, and he smiled as he finally looked up, closing the door gently behind him. Cullen clicked the lock back into place. 

Their eyes met. 

“Now,” she began again, lifting her hand to push her tousled hair behind her ears. “Let’s try again. Is something the matter, or did you come to my door this late for personal reasons?”

“Ah,” Cullen had chuckled, and they had walked together back up the stairs into Ellana’s room. “Nothing is the matter, exactly, and yet something has been bothering me.”

 _I could say the same,_ she thought. Ellana led him towards the bed, her blankets laid in disarray. She pushed them aside for him to sit beside her, not letting go of his hand though they both seemed to be trembling. Her palm was slick with sweat; his was still gloved. _I wonder if he feels the way I do._

“If you're about to say what I think you are, it's been bothering me, too,” she began. 

They both sighed audibly, then laughed when their eyes met again. This time, neither of them looked away. Cullen smiled, his pink cheeks turning back to their normal color. 

“We’ve both been acting a bit peculiar,” he said, lifting his gloved hand to touch her face. His eyes widened a bit in surprise, not realizing he was still in his armor. He pulled his leather gloves off to caress her cheek. Ellana watched, mouth pulled into a loving grin, growing broader as his calloused hand touched her reverently. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you as well,” she said, turning his hand to kiss his palm before bringing their joined hands to rest in her lap. “Dealing with reports of rifts and Venatori, planning for our next trip to the Hissing Wastes, and all the letters we’ve received in the aftermath of Halamshiral… it’s been hectic.”

“You’re telling me,” Cullen said, smiling wistfully. His golden-brown eyes reflected the dim light of the lamp Ellana lit before opening the door. “I’ve seen very little of you outside of our meetings. I’ll admit, I haven’t been the most available, either. I came here tonight because I wanted to see you and to apologize for how ridiculous I’ve been. It’s just…” he trailed off and leaned forward to press his lips against her forehead, sighing.

“It’s just what?” Ellana whispered, closing her eyes as his breath blew gently across her face.

“I can’t seem to look at you the same… since then.” Cullen’s blush was back with a vengeance, and he frowned slightly as he pulled back to meet her gaze once more. “Maker’s Breath, Ellana, I can’t help myself. When I look at you, all I can see is - All I can hear are your sighs, and I just -” He swallowed loudly. Her heart beat faster, as if it might break out of the cage of her chest and fly across the room. 

She couldn’t help herself and leaned forward to crush her full lips against his, and their teeth knocked together at the suddenness of it. They separated, hands pressed against their mouths as they groaned and then laughed in earnest. Cullen tilted his head down and tried again. Ellana sighed pleasantly as his lips dragged across hers, and his tongue darted out to touch and taste. She shuddered at the delicious contact. They leaned back to look at each other once more. 

“I think it’s obvious that I feel the same,” Ellana said, squeezing his fingers softly. “I think I know of a way to put an end to this madness.”

“And what is that, exactly?” 

He lifted her hand to his mouth and pressed his lips against her silky skin. A shot of white heat pierced her, traveling throughout her body to the very tips of her toes. The intense need she felt shook her to the very core. Seeing Cullen's passionate gaze revealed that he felt the same.

With confidence, Ellana swung her leg over his, straddling his lap. Ignoring the uncomfortable coolness of his armor. With slim, nimble fingers, she began loosening the straps of his pauldrons and breastplate. A frantic flutter of a hummingbird's wings thumped against her ribcage.

“Why don’t I show you?” She said, gazing at him in lust under the fan of her fluttering lashes.

“And what is that, exactly?” He asked as his maned tunic fell down his shoulders. Rough palms gripped her petite waist.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was much easier to remove his armor this time, now that she knew where the clasps were hidden. As metal fell away from warm skin, the couple was finally free to touch and explore each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited and re-posted, Feb. 20th, 2020.
> 
> tumblr: cullensawkwardneckscratch
> 
> prompts are welcome!

It was much easier to remove his armor this time, now that she knew where the clasps were hidden. As metal fell away from warm skin, the couple was finally free to touch and explore each other. Ellana took advantage of this, leaning fully into Cullen’s muscular chest, and embraced him as he attempted to toe-off his boots. Her slender hands curved around the back of his head, into his curly hair. She scraped her nails against his scalp lightly, causing him to shiver and close his eyes in pleasure. Their lips moved effortlessly against each other. This was a dance they had already mastered; it was what came after they were still perfecting, eager as they were to practice now.

Tongues met, slick and soft, then hard and insistent as they swept against each other. Cullen gripped her hips tightly, desperately, and tipped towards her, chasing the taste of her luscious mouth. When they finally pulled back, their lips were tinted ruby and swollen. Ellana’s chin felt rubbed raw by Cullen’s stubble. 

His light brown eyes followed the way her chest lifted as she panted, his hand at her upper back to steady her. Cullen twisted, laying her gently upon the crumpled lustrous sheets of her bed. 

Their first night together had been rushed in their impatience. When he had taken her, it had been against the rigid wood of his trustworthy desk, which had left them both aching and bruised in many places, though highly satisfied in the end. This time, it would be different. He attempted to convey that sentiment within his hungry gaze and Ellana couldn’t stop the trembling need that washed through her. 

Cullen leaned back onto his heels, mattress dipping and creaking beneath his full weight to pull off his ivory muslin tunic. Ellana’s eyes immediately met the chiseled expanse of his glorious chest. She bit her lip to keep from grinning. Ellana reached out to run her hands over him and latched onto his broad shoulders. He chuckled and began sliding his sturdy, rough fingers up the soft planes of her thighs, taking the bottom of her nightgown with him. Once he met the naked flesh of her hips, he stilled. Fingertips dug in just enough to turn alabaster skin red. He made a low keening noise in his throat. His gaze turned ravenous, slipping down to where his hands laid against her, and was welcomed by the sight of her bare skin in the dim light. Ellana was overwhelmed then, for she couldn’t decide whether to look at his naked torso, the way his erection - now at full mast - pushed firmly against his nugskin breeches, or where he then stared, in awe. 

“ _M_ _aker’s Breath_ ,” he muttered, taken aback, voice dark and low. “I cannot wait to taste you, Maker help me…”

“You can,” she murmured, unabashedly shifting her legs a little further apart. She needed him on her, touching her, filling her to the brim until she could no longer think. “Please, Cullen -”

“No,” he interrupted before she could truly beg, his gaze softening as he took in the view. Ellana’s hair lay in disarray around her, most resembling a haystack. Her deep-set, almond eyes were blown wide with want. Cullen couldn’t look away from where her teeth bit gently into her tender lower lip. “Not yet. I want to take my time with you.”

Cullen continued lifting her shift, and she shimmed a bit to help as he pulled it up and over her. He balled it up and threw it over his shoulder, and they laughed as it landed across the room, almost knocking the mirror off her desk. He did the same with his breeches and smallclothes, throwing them off to the side as quickly as possible. Cullen leaned forward on his sinewy forearms to bring their lips together briefly once more. He licked lightly along the seam of her dewy mouth before continuing his journey downward. Moist lips dragged across satin skin, from clavicle to the very tips of her breasts. Ellana’s chest rose and fell from panting breaths as she struggled to remain still under him. She could feel his member dragging hot and heavy down her body as he moved. 

When his tongue met her nipple and flicked, her unmarked hand found purchase in his perfectly coiffed hair, successfully making a mess of it. His touch turned rough at her reaction, fingertips imprinting into her skin as his hands wildly grasped at her bosom. Ellana groaned and tightly gripped the sheets beneath her. 

Cullen took a steadying breath and continued with his original plan. He wished to savor the delicate slide of her silken skin against his and relish the taste of her upon his tongue. Their first night together had been a fever dream of hands clutching whatever amount of skin they could reach, blue bruises blossoming across hips from harsh edges. _Not this time,_ he thought.

Tilting his head down once more, he pressed his powerful thighs into Ellana’s, forcing her legs further open. Lips following the path of his gentle touch, he continued down the stretch of her alluringly pale body.

She lost patience, and as he approached where her legs parted revealing her, she used the hand still curled into his hair to push him down. He chuckled at her insistence. 

“I know you said you wished to take your time,” She said, swallowing thickly at the sight of him between her spread legs. Stubble scraped across her sensitive thighs and she stifled a quiet moan into the back of her quivering hand. “But I don’t think I have the patience to wait any longer.”

He couldn’t stop his mouth from twisting into a smirk, then. She laughed openly and shoved him a bit with her foot where it was resting lightly against his back.

“I want to take my time with you, Ellana, while we still have it. We don’t know what lies ahead of us now,” he explained, sitting up once more so that they could speak face to face. His smirk fell, replaced with a slight frown. “I don’t want to waste these moments, precious as they are.” _Precious as_ **_you_ ** _are to me._

Worry etched in the lines of Cullen’s forehead as his thick eyebrows pulled together. Ellana sat up on one elbow and lifted her marked hand to cup his cheek, then smoothed out the lines with her fingertips, complete understanding in her gaze. 

“We will have more time together, Cullen,” she said, leaning forward to peck his lips once where they had been pressed into a thin, brooding line. “Though we may be a bit busy now, there is always after. We will have _forever._ ”

He sucked in a harsh breath, touched his brow to hers, and closed his eyes. 

“Forever,” he repeated. 

He sat back on his heels again, and watched as Ellana’s eyes traveled over the expanse of broad shoulders, down the swirls of hair covering his buff chest, to where his cock sat - flushed at the tip - between shredded thighs. A tidal wave of want crashed through him. He pushed her back with a growl, grasping her calves to pull her towards him.

She yelped in surprise but it quickly turned into a laugh, as Cullen slid his tongue and lips over the delicate insides of her supple thighs. She moaned as he slipped it between the wetness of her folds. Ellana almost screamed when lips closed around her, creating a delicious suction, and a thick finger pressed inside. Electricity built up, from the very tips of her toes. She couldn’t control her hips as they ground against him.

His answering groan vibrated through her, and he pressed a second broad finger into her cunt, slurping the sweetness flowing from her. Her body tensed: head thrown back and muscles taut like an overstrung bow, trapping him between her glorious thighs. She came then, back arching slightly as her cunt gushed the sweetest sap. Cullen happily drank it down.

Sparks of electricity danced from her fists where they were enclosed around white linen, crackling through the air before disappearing quickly as Ellana fought for control over herself. When she finally looked up, dazed and panting, Cullen was sitting between her spread thighs, holding himself tightly in one hand and watching the great rise and fall of her chest in awe. His lips and chin dripped with honey. 

“Come on,” she panted, hands moving to grip his ass to pull him tighter against her. His member dragged against where she was sopping wet. They both shuddered and groaned, and Cullen couldn’t control the jerk of his hips as he dragged his cock along the seam of her aching lips, coating himself in her juices. 

“Cullen,” she whined, lifting a hand to clutch the back of his neck, straining to bring their mouths together. He attempted to hold himself up with his right arm while his left guided him to her entrance, where it caught for a moment before pressing into her opening. The smooth skin of his cock glided effortlessly into her. They both stilled for a moment to catch their breath. Cullen trembled as her cunt tightened around him, a strangled moan forced out of his throat. 

He lifted her legs to rest her calves upon his shoulders, allowing him to reach even deeper inside of her. He bent over her, pushing her knees closer towards her, to bring a large calloused hand up to grip her breast, thumbing her rosy nipple. She quivered beneath him, mouth agape and eyes rolled back as he relentlessly thrust against that spot inside her. Cullen grunted in pleasure each time his pelvis met her ass. 

He moved his hands to the backs of her knees and bore down, bringing her knees to graze the mattress beside her bouncing breasts, opening her up even further. The force and speed of his thrusts were unrelenting and Ellana screamed, unable to control the sounds being coerced from her. Her cunt grew ever tighter - almost constricting - as Cullen brought nimble fingers to her clit, rubbing in unison with his increasing movements. 

Static filled the air, lifting her hair to stand on end, crackling in their ears. The danger of it thrilled him, and he moaned openly as Ellana let out a strangled moan, back bowing as an orgasm tore through her once more as Cullen continued thrusting. She struggled to contain the electricity that burst from her fingertips, but could control it just enough to send it surging into the mattress below her, singing a hole through her sheets and into her mattress. She flopped back, boneless and gasping for breath, as Cullen’s own orgasm was ripped from him. Her cunt squeezed around him, milking every last drop from his spent body. 

Letting go of her legs, he pulled out of her. They shuddered at the loss of contact, though as Cullen dropped to the side, he pulled her with him, arranging them so that her back was to his chest. They laid together as they tried to catch their breath, basking in the euphoria of their releases. 

“Maker’s _breath_ , Ellana,” he laughed, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and pulling her even closer to him, if that were possible. He wished to cover every exposed inch of her glorious flesh. She chuckled with him, pressing her lips against the back of his hand, letting out a sigh of extreme satisfaction. She tilted her head back against his shoulder and grasped his head, angling it downward so she could try to meet his gaze. The position was awkward, and her ass slid delectably across his sensitive cock. He grunted in pain and pleasure. 

When their eyes finally met, he was greeted with her smile, blinding, and angelic. 

“I love you,” she stated, unwavering. His voice was soft with wonder when he finally answered back, rough hand gently gripping her hip.

“I love you, too.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisitor and her Commander part ways as Ellana prepares for her journey to the Hissing Wastes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, of course. I'm not one for long ones. Unedited as of yet, because I'm an impatient bastard. Will repost edited version at a later date. Next we'll see Ellana, Bull, Varric, and Dorian on their journey. First time writing fight scenes, so let's stay tuned for that!
> 
> Updated and edited as of Feb. 25th, 2020.
> 
> tumblr: cullensawkwardneckscratch
> 
> prompts are welcome!

A sharp knock at the door broke Ellana from the seductive pull of her memory of the night before. Quickly glancing towards the clock on the fireplace's mantle, she noticed that a fair amount of time had passed since she first sat to fix her hair. She jumped up hurriedly and pulled her light blue silk robe from the back of her chair (a gift from Josephine for her great work at the Winter Palace, of course) and swiftly pulled the tie into place. She ran down the stairs to the door; they creaked loudly beneath her quick, heavy steps. When she opened the door this time, she was met by a flustered-looking messenger. 

"Inquisitor," It was Jim, unsurprisingly. He saluted her, face flushed, and avoiding her gaze. "The Commander has sent me for you. Your advisors are waiting in the war room."

"Right," she sighed, resisting the urge to slam the door in his face and go back to her leisurely morning. "I'll be there momentarily. Have you had breakfast yet?"

"No, Your Worship, but I was just on my way."

"Good. Don't let me keep you," she said, smiling as she waved him along. He tipped his head in acknowledgment with a last 'yes, Your Worship' before she closed the door. Leaning fully against it, she let out a long and loud huff, shrugging to herself. This was nothing new. It was just going to be another long day.

~~~~

The meeting concluded with the consensus for the Inquisitor to begin her journey to the Hissing Wastes. An Inquisition patrol had disappeared, and with reports of an increasing number of Venatori and some type of dangerous beast roaming about, it was time she departed.

Josephine and Leliana left the room, the first patted Ellana’s shoulder in sympathy and the latter gripped her other shoulder briefly before making a swift exit. Cullen stayed behind, looking defeated and attempting to school his expression. His mouth looked as if it could be twisted permanently into a frown, the corners turned down as far as they could go. Ellana walked up to him and took his hand, twining their fingers together. She had to fight a laugh at his almost comical expression, though she felt much the same. 

His eyebrows, which seemed to be fused together into one long hairy line, relaxed back into their respective places. Cullen leaned over to press a kiss to the top of her head, letting his lips rest in her hair for a moment before standing straight once more. He fought the urge to run a hand over his face. 

She noted the bags under his eyes and felt a twinge of guilt.

“At least one good thing will come of this,” Ellana smiled up at him, and the corner of his mouth twitched into a slight smirk.

“And what would that be?” he asked, taking hold of her upper arms to rub his thumbs in circles over her triceps, seeking comfort. 

“You’ll be able to get plenty of rest while I’m gone.” Her grin grew ever wider, eyes crinkling at the force of it. Cullen laughed loudly once, coughing quickly to cover the sound before he shook his head in disagreement. His smile had expanded across his handsome face, though, and she felt pride in that. 

“If you think I’ll be able to sleep soundly while you’re out fighting beasts beyond comprehension, you’re out of your mind.” Cullen’s gloved hand caressed her cheek, and she leaned into his touch, committing it to memory. She’d need it for the coming journey.

Mid-morning sunlight streamed in through the towering windows of the wide-open room they were standing in, illuminating the left side of him, showcasing his stunning features. His brown eyes caught the light brilliantly. “I’ll be too busy praying for your safety.”

Her hands came to rest at his armored waist, vexed at the metal for keeping her away from the warmth of his skin. "If I had known we were going to leave this soon, I would have let you take your time last night.”

A short sigh of exasperation left him, and he rolled his eyes at her comment, lips twitching closed to fight another smirk. Ellana laughed openly, sliding her palms to the tops of his shoulders. Ellana stood on the tips of her toes to reach his mouth and they tilted their heads, lips parting.

The sound of someone clearing their throat caused them both to jump. Still touching, the mood not entirely ruined, they turned their heads toward the vast doorway leading down the long corridor, seemingly forever under construction, and were met with the sight of Dorian. He waggled his fingers in greeting, leaning against the door jamb with his legs crossed as he fiddled with the curled ends of his mustache. 

“I hate to interrupt such a glorious sight,” he said, mischievous eyes gleaming. “But we really should be moving along. Do finish your goodbye. I may be able to buy you enough time for a proper farewell, if I feel so obliged. You know, I have been craving this Orlesian wine we had at the Winter Palace; it was so crisp and—”

“My dearest friend, would you be so kind as to help Master Dennet prepare our glorious steeds for our perilous journey East?” she said through gritted teeth. Dorian guffawed. Uncrossing his legs, he waved a dismissive hand towards Ellana as he turned to walk away.

“Oh, fine fine. You’re lucky I love you as much as I do, you fiend, but if you think I’ll be helping Dennet you’re sorely mistaken. Isn’t that what that hairy lummox who spends all of his time in the barn, whittling away at that damn griffon, is for?”

“Dorian,” she chided, but he’d gone almost as swiftly as he came, closing the great doors of the war room behind him, winking, to give them a semblance of privacy. She sighed heavily and pressed her forehead against Cullen’s breastplate. Ellana hoped it would help ward away an incoming headache. Dorian sure enjoyed trying her patience. “We really don’t have much time for goodbyes.”

Cullen’s finger curled under her chin, coaxing Ellana to lift her eyes and meet his warm gaze. “You wouldn’t leave without a kiss, would you? I must leave something for you to remember me by… I couldn’t bear for you to forget me now.

Her cheeks reddened and she laughed, the corners of her mouth curling up into the sweetest of smiles. “You’re right, last night left much to be desired.”

“Next time will be different,” Cullen said as he pressed his lips to hers once more. Her mouth opened on instinct and he took that chance to slide his tongue inside to taste her one last time. They kissed for a while, allowing their hands to roam across each other’s flesh, until Ellana broke away with a gasp. She blew her hair away from where it had fallen across her eyes, stepping back once to get one last look at her Commander. “Come on,” she said, taking his hand to pull him towards the entryway. Cullen sighed, eyes downcast as his expression turned solemn once again. Her gaze lingered on the scar on his lip and she fought the urge to trace it with soft fingertips. _Later. Much, much later._ “Let’s go.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wandering the Hissing Wastes, Ellana and her party happen across a few interesting things. Dorian complains, Varric watches in amusement, and Bull's wildest dreams come true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED as of March 24th, 2020.
> 
> As always, leave a comment of kudos. They're much appreciated.
> 
> tumblr: cullensawkwardneckscratch
> 
> prompts are welcome!

“Dorian,” she groaned from where she leaned over the requisition table, fighting the urge to slam the pen in her hand against it. Ellana’s mood had been quite unstable since they had arrived at their main camp in the Hissing Wastes. After two long, grueling weeks on horseback, it was no surprise to anyone that tensions were running high. Still, it was unlike her to snap at her companions. “Could you please keep your complaints to yourself for just one day?”

“No, I simply cannot. I’m drying out from the inside!” He fanned himself with one hand, using a fantastically embroidered handkerchief to pat the sweat from his brow. His tanned skin was steadily turning a shade darker the longer he sat in the blaze of the scorching sun. “Soon I’ll be but a husk as all the moisture is sucked from my body. This is a wasteland!”

“It _is_ called The Wastes for a reason, Sparkler,” Varric said, rolling his eyes at Dorian’s dramatics from where he sat, toying with Bianca’s calibration. The Iron Bull sat beside him, smirking and taking a long pull from his waterskin. “Why don’t you conjure some ice? That’d help.”

“I would if it wouldn’t melt immediately in this incessant heat,” Dorian said, sighing. “We’ve only been here a day and my boots are filled to the brim with sand. At least the skin of my soles will be soft from the ceaseless exfoliation.” 

The sun beat on the back of Ellana’s reddened neck, a stinging warmth akin to an angry swarm of bees. She sighed and used the side of her hand to wipe the sweat from her brow, choosing to ignore Dorian while she signed off on status reports to her advisors. Pulling out one more piece of parchment, she smoothed it down against the desk’s surface, using one hand to hold it in place as she dipped her pen into the inkwell once more. Ellana rolled her shoulders in an attempt to release some tension and touched the tip to paper to begin:

_**Dear Cullen,** _

_**We’ve arrived at our destination without trouble, thankfully. Our journey here was fairly quiet, except for Dorian’s droning about his sore backside. Another month of his complaints begs the question of whether I should feed him to this legendary beast I’ve heard so much about or not, though I doubt Bull would allow it.** _

_**There is much to discover. A new report arrived today of a dragon sighting to the east of our main camp. We came across a hunter who informed us of the strange beasts in the area. That, of course, made Bull want to set out immediately. We caught a brief sighting of something big and green on our way to the main encampment and had to drag Bull away before he ran at it head-on.** _

_**We’ll be heading out tomorrow to begin our search for the missing patrol. It’s been so long since we received the report—I fear the worst.** _

_**I miss you more than words.** _

_**We’ll be back before you know it. Please get some sleep and don’t skip any meals while I’m gone. You’ve got to keep your strength up. I have plans for the night we return.** _

_**All my heart,** _

_**Ellana** _

She folded the parchment and sealed it with wax, handing it to a runner. The day was far from over, but they had arrived in the early morning and had yet to rest. Though the heat was unbearable and sitting in an enclosed tent wasn't much better than standing in the sun, it would at least save their skin from heat rash and blisters. Ellana went to the opening of her tent, pushing the flap aside with one last glance at her companions.

Dorian sat in the entry of his and Bull’s shared tent, pulling off his boots and grumbling his frustration as he upended them. Sand spilled into a growing pile in front of him. Bull stood from where he sat on a log next to Varric, stretching out his tense shoulders, nodding towards the Inquisitor as he bent to enter their tent. He pressed a hand to Dorian’s chest, pushing lightly, but it sent him flying backward, sputtering in surprise. Varric had finished with Bianca and was guzzling water, using one hand to block the sun’s rays from his eyes.

Ellana shook her head and closed the flaps behind her, fastening them together. She undressed, pulling leather and linen from sticky skin. She folded her clothes and set them aside, peeling off her breast band, hissing as sensitive flesh was released from its' sweltering prison. 

Ellana palmed her breasts gently, frowning at the stinging sensation that blossomed beneath her touch. They felt heavy and full, as if she were carrying stones on her chest. She sighed, spreading out on her blankets so that her heated limbs were no longer touching. _My monthly courses must be coming back,_ she thought. Her frown deepened. Since the Conclave, she had had irregular courses, going two to four months between each. She knew it to be because of the stress she faced being the Inquisitor - traveling, fighting, having to make important decisions that affected everyone she oversaw… _What wonderful timing._

She closed her eyes, collecting mana in the very tips of her fingers, spreading them out along the blankets beneath her. Ice crackled as it unfurled from her hands, wrapping around bare flesh. It wouldn’t last long in the heat, but just enough to allow her to fall into a fairly comfortable sleep. She savored the cool encasing her limbs and thought of Cullen and winter winds that blew her hair back, walking along the perimeter of Haven’s frozen lake with the Commander by her side. Ellana fell asleep to the image of a tender smile, lips curling upwards, nose-wrinkling laughter, and the whisper of lips gliding across her own.

~~~~~

Ellana had quickly realized that much of their time wandering the wastes would need to be spent in the dark. Though it became increasingly colder as the sun disappeared behind dunes of sand, until the sky was a pitch-black blanket of stars spreading to the ends of Thedas, it was far better than feeling your flesh cook under the cruel rays of the blinding sun. 

They woke in the evening as the sand began to cool rapidly beneath their aching feet. A cold breeze had blown in between tent flaps and Ellana had shivered into awareness, struggling to pull her moist underclothes back on, fingers stumbling over the ties of her tunic. With a final tug, she pulled her leather bracers on, picking up her staff on the way out. The air inside her tent had stayed quite warm, thankfully, though the moment she stepped out that warmth had dissipated entirely. 

Her companions sat next to the blazing campfire, bowls in hand as they ate whatever their soldiers had managed to forage. Ellana caught the distinct gamey smell of August Ram. Normally she would have welcomed the scent, for it had been a while since they’d eaten, but her stomach did not growl. Instead, it flopped. Her mouth filled with the sour, metallic taste of nausea. She must have waited too long to eat.

Ellana flopped down next to Dorian, who handed her a bowl of her own meat and what looked like to be stalks of Vandal Aria. She didn’t mind the sweet, grassy flavor of the flowering shrub, and the few bites she took helped settle her stomach enough to consume the rest of her meal. Her nausea subsided. 

“At least I have one thing to be thankful for in this miserable excuse of a desert,” Dorian emphasized his distress with a withering sigh, glaring disdainfully into the waning fire. 

A shit-eating grin lit up Bull’s face and he interrupted, stating smugly, “I knew you were glad I came along.” 

“Oh, shut up,” Dorian mumbled, flushing fiercely. Varric laughed from where he stood at the potions table, filling his bag with grenades until it overflowed, catching one as it fell from where it sat precariously at the edge of the counter. Ellana handed her empty bowl off to the soldier on dinner duty who was collecting their dishes, murmuring ‘thank you.’ Their desert camps were far too small to warrant hiring an official cook for each one. “I’m glad we aren’t feasting on nug meat for the thousandth time. I’ve grown tired of those disgusting little creatures and their disturbingly human-like hands.”

“They’re easier to catch, though,” Varric added. “And nothing beats nug-on-a-stick.” 

“Says the dwarf.”

“Touché.” 

Dorian stood, stretching out his stiff limbs. He leaned down towards his feet, twisting his arms above his head. Bull watched unabashedly, _hungrily_ , as Dorian’s movements highlighted his voluptuous ass. “I’d rather strip naked and dance in front of Empress Celene and the nobles of Orlais than spend another trip eating nug at every meal.”

Varric looked inspired for a moment. “You know, that would make for a great scene for my romance serial.” 

Bull’s hands seemed to move of their own accord, grasping at Dorian’s arm to pull him closer. Dorian yelped as he lost his balance and fell across Bull’s knee. Bull’s voice was heavy with want. “I love when you dance; the way your butt jiggles as you—”

“All right,” Ellana rose quickly, desperately grabbing for her lyrium-infused staff, rolling her eyes at their antics and blushing. _Too much information._ “Let’s get a move on.”

~~~~~~

The only thing that seemed to change about the landscape of the Hissing Wastes was the enormous mountains of sand. Day and night, a strong breeze blew, never ceasing, altering the shape of their surroundings. It was easy to get lost, and they’d found themselves running in circles for days on end, searching for any sign of Inquisition flags to lead them back to camp. Ellana and her companions had been fortunate to find a few maps of the area; they had stumbled across several camps, left behind by the Venatori.

“Last one down!” Ellana yelled, twirling her staff around as she finished off the Venatori, slamming the pole to the ground. One last spark of electricity burst from it, zapping the body as it fell. 

Strapping her staff to her back once more, Ellana huffed, breathing intensely as the adrenaline from their fight began to wear off. She pulled a clean handkerchief from her pouch and used it to swipe droplets of blood from her cheek, wincing at the scrape of sand over-sensitive, sunburnt skin. It was the last of her clean cloths. They had used most of them the night before, when they’d finally stumbled across the beast’s territory, only to discover it was a peculiar green wyvern. It’s thick, viscous ichor had seemed impossible to wipe away, drying as it coagulated in their hair, matting the strands together. At least they’d been able to collect a few samples of the scales for Helisma.

She offered the cloth to Dorian, who used it to mop his hands and staff clean. Varric and Bull searched the bodies of the fallen Venatori for coin. 

“Found another map, boss,” Bull handed her the rolled parchment, backing off slightly when she conjured lightning in her fingertips, effectively illuminating the paper. 

Varric walked closer, pocketing a locket. He leaned over the map, squinting in the bright light. “Looks like it’s leading to a cave of some sort?”

“I wonder what the Venatori wanted with it,” Ellana mused, letting the lightning in her hand flicker into a puff of smoke, shaking it out of her hand. 

“At any rate, we’d better move out,” Dorian said, slipping his staff into the specialized holster at his back. “It won’t be another 2 hours until the sun rises, and I would like to get back to the protection of my tent before that happens. I’d rather not ruin my complexion any further.” Bull helped him when he missed, taking hold of the top to slip it through, answering Dorian’s grateful smile with a grin of his own.

Her companions all voiced their agreement, taking a last look at the decimated camp before making their way across the barren desert in search of their nearest base. They stumbled about on weary feet, and Ellana had to push herself to stay upright, choosing to down a lyrium potion to restore her mana faster, hoping they wouldn’t come across any other enemies on the way. All that could be heard was the eerie sound of whooshing wind and sand particles scraping across their skin and armor. 

“Does that noise ever stop?” Dorian huffed, exasperated.

 _Do you ever stop complaining,_ she thought, biting her tongue to keep silent. Her dried lips cracked and bled. She fished around in the pouch at her hip for her elfroot balm, opening it to smear the thick ointment over her mouth.

“Well, it’s sand blowing on sand in a place full of wind… and sand,” The Iron Bull answered with barely concealed amusement.

“Thank you,” Dorian spoke in a monotonous tone, forehead and nose wrinkling in irritation. “That makes so much more sense now.”

“It’s not that bad,” Varric commented, hands shoved into the deep pockets of his coat. His plentiful chest-hair spilled from the confines of his jacket where he'd pulled it tight against himself. He reminded her of a teddy bear, though he was far less cuddly. “It’s almost pretty if you squint your eyes.”

“Look at how far it goes,” Bull agreed. “You could ride for miles.”

“It’s lively for a wasteland, I’ll give it that.”

A great gust of wind blew sand into their faces, and they all began to cough. Just then, a shadow covered the brilliant light of the moon that sat high in the sky, half-full. There was a thunderous flap of wings followed by a deafening roar. Another blast of air blinded them for a moment, but they all got a glimpse of the beast as it flew overhead and into the distance, screeching as it landed where they could no longer see it. 

“Please tell me we’re fighting that, boss,” Bull bellowed, taking a running start towards the crater where the high dragon had landed. He looked much like a child if one could ignore his enormous body. “Tonight is a good night. Tonight is a _very_ good night.”

“You’re lucky we found potions at that last camp,” Varric added, pulling Bianca out of her holster, petting her underside as he grinned roguishly. 

As they approached the edge of the crater, they stumbled to a halt, taking in the magnificent sight before them. The creature turned, pacing in circles as fire oozed from the corners of her powerful maw. Her eyes were focused on their group. She reared back on her hind legs, mouth opening wide as fire collected and expanded. Throwing herself back down with a colossal thud, she shot the massive fireball in their direction. Varric, Dorian, and Ellana dove to the side, not able to catch themselves before they began to slide down the basin’s side. 

Bull shook his horns and shouted out a booming war cry, charging in with his two-handed axe. “ _Taarsidath-an halsaam!_ ” He bared his teeth in a ferocious grin, swinging his entire body forward to land a hit to the dragon’s front leg.

“ _Vishante Kaffas,_ ” Dorian hissed, pulling his staff of corruption from his back, slamming the pole to the ground as he sent an energy barrage forward. The beams of electricity crashed into the sides of its vast body, and it screeched, flapping its great wings. 

Varric was pulled forward from where he stood, cursing as he tried to fight against the current. Ellana grasped her own staff, allowing the undertow to bring her forward as she called forth her mana. It formed into the shape of a longsword in her hand, shining bright green, and she slammed it into the dragon’s vulnerable underbelly, rolling out of the way as it threw its tail out. 

Ellana miscalculated her steps and ended up a few meters away on her back, staring up at the boundless sky where pinprick stars shimmered. She fought to catch her breath for a moment, jumping to her feet when Varric yelled, “Inquisitor!”

The Inquisitor pulled the tan leather glove from her hand with her teeth, freeing the glowing mark from its constraints. Her companions dodged out of the way as she poured all her strength ahead, slitting the Veil. A rift opened momentarily, sucking bits of broken scales into the Void. The beast wailed, tossing its tail about with less force than before. It fell to the ground in a sizeable heap, flopping to its side. When Ellana closed her hand into a fist, pulling back, the rift sealed once more. She sagged in genuine relief. 

All four moved towards the fallen dragon, carefully assessing the downed creature. It wasn’t breathing. Dorian, Varric, and Ellana grinned, elated, but Bull pouted, obviously upset. He ran a gray hand over the dragon’s massive head, murmuring appreciatively.

“Thank the Maker that’s over,” Varric said, moving off to the side, away from them. “Let’s hurry up and grab what we need because _I’m_ in need of a stiff drunk, a hot meal, and _sleep_.”

Iron Bull stepped forward, bringing his axe to the base of a horn, reeling back to—hopefully—slice it clean off the dragon’s skull. “Yeah yeah, let me just grab—” He fell backward, scrambling back to his feet, axe in hand. 

“What?” Ellana asked from where she stood at its shoulder. In a split second, before she could finish, the dragon trembled. Wings lifted up and out to balance as it stood, shaking its head in pained confusion.

_Shit._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED as of April 29th, 2020.
> 
> Via my timeline, she's been away from Skyhold for about 4 weeks - 5 weeks since the desk scene. From here on she'll be experiencing more... symptoms.
> 
> If there's anything you're wondering about, let me know. Feel free to leave constructive criticism or any questions you might have, and I'll answer them to the best of my ability without spoiling too much.
> 
> tumblr: cullensawkwardneckscratch
> 
> prompts are welcome!

The sun had risen - its intolerable, sizzling heat upon them - long before they arrived back to camp. Ellana longed to feel cool grass between her toes and divest herself of her leather boots. They seemed to be perpetually fused to her sweaty calves. 

Bull dragged the dragon’s skull behind him, carving a trail through swiftly heating sand. Dorian and Varric struggled to keep up, dragging their weary feet. All four were covered in filth from head to toe and undoubtedly smelled far worse than they looked. Though they hoped for a bath, none had the energy to journey out to the oasis and fight off lingering varghests.

Ellana lifted her grimy fingers to rub at the dark, purpled bruises beneath her weary eyes, but thought better of it. Her skin was irritated as is. 

When they were close enough, Dorian made a beeline for their few meager water buckets and stripped, uncaring of the eyes on him. He upended the bucket over his head and sighed. Bull did the same, though he used the drinking cup to pour a few over the viscous fluid covering his chest and horns, using a towel to rub the loosened grime away. Varric flopped down next to the fire pit, accepting the hardtack and dried, salted ram. 

“I’ve news, your worship.” A scout approached Ellana, but she waved her off, lips set in a firm line. 

“At least let her rest first,” Varric grumbled over a mouthful of dry cracker. “Unless we’re talking about big, scary things heading our way, can’t it wait?”

“Yes, ser,” The scout murmured, an embarrassed expression crossing her face. She made herself scarce, joining the others who were standing watch around the perimeter. Another soldier tried to hand Ellana her own rations, but she shook her head. Her stomach churned at the sight. What she needed first was a good night’s sleep and a bath before she could even think about ingesting food. Her hair was matted with ichor.

She made to move towards the buckets but before she could, Dorian shoved her down onto a bench they had somehow procured, and helped her remove her armor. He handed the slime covered pieces off to someone else to be cleaned, and made quick work of her leather leggings, gloves, and tunic, until she was sitting in her underclothes. Though naked bodies were normal among the Dalish, it still felt strange to be unclothed around shemlen—even her friends. No one looked their way, clearly too busy to notice her state of undress. Dorian himself was still only in his smallclothes, sopping wet. 

Ellana noticed the curled ends of Dorian’s mustache had been burned clean off. She fought a grin.

“Lean your head back,” he said, delicately pushing against the underside of her chin. “We wouldn’t want our Herald to go to sleep with dragon entrails in her hair, now would we?”

“I could set a new trend,” she said, sighing as the first cup of water ran over her scalp, washing blood and sand away. Ellana closed her eyes and savored the moment.

“Yes, and everyone idiot in Orlais would be scrambling for even the smallest drop of this rubbish,” he chuckled, lathering a bar of soap into her hair. “Let’s not do that.”

She didn’t answer. Ellana listed sideways, jerking awake as Bull’s large hand gripped her shoulders, keeping her upright. Through bleary eyes she could see him in front of her, smirking. Warm water dripped from her shoulders to her lap, and Dorian cursed as he hurriedly tilted her head back once more to dunk her hair into the bucket.

“Let’s hurry this up, Dorian, before she passes out.” 

“Wouldn’t want our dear Inquisitor falling head-first into a bucket and drowning herself, would we?” Varric interjected as he took a long swig from a bottle of wine they had found in the Emerald Graves, scratching the hair on his chest. She distinctly remembered adding it to her growing collection in Skyhold's wine cellar. 

“No, we wouldn’t,” she agreed, shaking her head to chase her weariness away. _Just a few more minutes._

“There,” Dorian said as he twisted her hair in his fingers, wringing out as much water as possible. “Finished.”

“Thank you, Dorian,” Ellana murmured, squeezing his hand lightly as she stood. “Truly.” 

“Oh, hush,” he pushed his friend towards her tent gently. She stumbled over her clumsy feet. “You may lavish me with compliments later. Now please — go to sleep.”

“Yes, mother.”

“I resent that!”

Once she made it past the opening, she dove onto her bed roll, spreading her limbs like a starfish. Distantly, she thought of Cullen. Ellana hadn’t allowed herself to entertain any thought of him, knowing that she would miss him all the more. They still hadn’t found the missing patrol after 2 weeks roaming the Wastes, and it didn’t feel right for her to waste precious time thinking about him when the bodies of their soldiers were out there, somewhere, waiting to be found. The guilt consumed her, and yet, it was impossible to keep thoughts of her darling Commander away.

As she closed her eyes and exhaustion took her, Ellana prayed she would dream of him: his gentle touch, the scrape of his stubble against her bare shoulder, and the way he chuckled darkly when she —

~~~~~

She didn’t dream of Cullen.

_There was a pitter-patter - the sound of feet slapping against muddy earth. She jumped from a large boulder into the slowly flowing river, squealing in joy when strong, secure arms caught her and spun her around. Her father’s dark shoulder-length hair was slicked back and out of his face. His sunflower eyes glinted in the bright sunlight, corners wrinkled from a loving grin. He lifted her from his hip to his shoulders, and she wrapped her little arms around his neck to steady herself as he swam with her against his back. They drifted slowly, dreamily, and she let go to swim away, splashing him as she went._

_Dainty toes slipped over slick smooth rocks and she swam against the gentle caress of the lazy current. The water cooled her, washing away summer sweat as insects chirped and sang their midsummer melody. She spun on her toes, eyes searching for her mother while her father floated along on his back, behind her._

_Her mother sat upon a boulder on the bank; her waist-length hair woven into intricate braids. Silver beads donned the bottoms, clinking against each other as she threw her hair behind her._

_Her mother’s feet lay in the cool waters beneath, gently swishing back and forth as she pulled her thin needle through the emerald fabric of a dress meant for her precious daughter. Her own white shift lay across her thighs, scrunched up to keep away from the water. One hand moved to rest upon the swell of her rounded stomach, rubbing gently as her baby kicked within._

_Along the riverbank, Halla tilted their heads to drink. The midday summer sun shined upon their twisted antlers. Ellana swam towards her mother, accepting the fresh apple handed to her. It crunched satisfyingly under her little teeth: crisp and sweet. The low-hanging wispy leaves of a Willow tickled the back of her neck. When she looked up, she noticed two songbirds, rubbing sides together as they tweeted and sang. An azure feather fell and drifted to the ground beside her._

_The songbird’s pleasant melody turned eerie. Her mother hummed_ _along. Fear crawled up her spine like a spider preparing to spin its web. Brown sludge oozed from the now rotten apple in her hands onto the mucky verge of the impure waters below. Sticky fermented juices coated her fingers and dripped down her inner thigh._

_Ellana couldn’t look away from where her mother callously ran her hand across her belly. Flesh distended as the form of a tiny hand became visible. It twisted, fingertips like talons, and rubied blood bloomed over the fabric of her mother’s dress. She trembled._

_Bubbles rose above the undisturbed, murky river. Her father had disappeared._

_Panic gripped Ellana. Her heart banged against the gilded cage of her chest, begging for freedom. An oppressive heat consumed her, surrounding her on all sides. She fought for breath but couldn’t catch it. Tacky fingers gripped her throat. Her mouth opened to scream, but no sound came. Her mother continued to hum as blood pooled around her, turning brown water crimson._

_“Ea son? Ahnsul ithas su’em i’nu?” Her mother’s eyes bled black; her flesh became sallow. A putrid stench escaped from between dried, pallid lips. “Da’len?”_

Ellana woke with a start in a puddle of her own sweat. Her chest rose and fell quickly as she gasped. On shaky legs, she dove toward the opening of her tent, scrambling for purchase in the sand. It slid from between her fingers. 

She barely made it behind the line of tents before she lost control of her heaving stomach.

~~~~~

The spider reared back and sprayed her with its acidic spit and she screamed, falling to one knee as her features twisted in agony. Chunks of skin sloughed off, sizzling as they fell to the ground. Ellana kept her afflicted eye closed, hands gripping the pole of her staff tightly. 

"Shit," Varric cursed. The giant spider dove towards him and he rolled away towards Ellana, just as its fangs were about to puncture his side. 

Dorian slammed his staff of corruption into the ground and threw out a mire mine with a great flourish. The giant spider crawled towards him, right into his trap, and shrieked as it burned, quickly turning into a pile of ash. Bull swung his axe into the last poisonous spider’s middle, separating its abdomen from the rest of its body. It fell to its side, long legs squinching up against its body, and died. 

Varric dug through his pack for an elfroot potion - one of health and regeneration - and a balm. He popped the cork and handed the potion to Ellana, who took it with a trembling hand, downing it in one long gulp. The crisp night breeze helped soothe the burning ache of her flesh. Dorian took the balm from Varric’s other hand and dipped his fingers in, coating them in gelatinous cream, and gingerly applied it to the singed flesh running from her hairline to below her right eye. 

“Hopefully this won’t scar,” she said, voice wavering. Ellana fought to stay still. The ointment - along with the potion - was helping, but her wound still throbbed in time with her heartbeat. “The Commander might end our relationship after seeing my hideous face.”

“That is utter nonsense,” Dorian’s voice was taut, and his tight expression conveyed his frustration. Ellana knew it was directed towards himself. He seemed to think he should try to save everyone from everything, and couldn’t be convinced otherwise. “Our darling Commander would still love you even if you grew a tail, sprouted horns, and all of your hair fell out. Hopefully after a few days of applying this salve, you won’t even be able to tell.”

She would have blushed, but instead went quiet, closing her eyes for a moment as she felt her skin begin to itch, signaling its healing. 

“Boss,” It was Bull, this time. His voice sounded uncharacteristically soft. “I found them. Over here.”

Ellana stood at that, leaning on her staff to support herself. Her heart dropped. They had been far too late, and she had known this was coming, but that wouldn’t keep her grief at bay. How many lives had been lost for their cause? She imagined they’d been caught unawares and were overpowered by the number of spiders surrounding the area. _These poor souls. They had no chance._

Varric eyed her knowingly, his expression grave. “They knew what they were signing up for."

As she approached she wondered, morbidly, at the absence of a malodor. Their bones were on display, bleached by the harsh rays of the sun. Scavengers had picked them clean. Where eyes should have been instead was a hollow space that led straight to the back of their skulls. Ellana took a knee before the fallen soldiers, bowing her head in prayer. Tears of frustration and loss gathered quickly along her lashes, but she squeezed her eyes shut, willing them away as she murmured.

  
“ _Falon’Din, Lethanavir, enasal enaste._ May the Maker guide you to his side.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elvhen translations here: 
> 
> Ea son? Ahnsul ithas su'em i'nu? - What’s wrong? Why do you look at me so? Literally: Be you well? Why you look at me with pain? 
> 
> Falon’Din - God of death  
> Lethanavir - friend of the dead  
> Falon’Din, enasal enaste - a prayer for the dead, potentially Falon’Din’s favor or blessing


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana took a deep, shuddering breath, and pushed ever so gently. Calling forth her mana, encasing the tips of her fingers in an ethereal blue light, she delved inside.
> 
> For a moment she froze, mouth agape, in awe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! Getting to the more angsty parts, soon. Hope you enjoy this update. 
> 
> Please leave a comment, if you can! It would mean the world to me. I would like to know who is enjoying it, and what exactly they're enjoying, and what you might like to see more of :) After her return to Skyhold, we'll get more of Cullen, of course. 
> 
> I'd imagine this fic has another 5 to 6 chapters in it, but I'm also not entirely sure. We'll see.
> 
> EDITED as of May 10th, 2020.
> 
> tumblr: cullensawkwardneckscratch
> 
> prompts are welcome!

"Boss!" The Iron Bull yelled, turning to Ellana; he gestured toward the grand oasis before them. The water was still and musty, smelling faintly of eggs left to rot in the sun, though it was still a sight for sore eyes for Ellana and her filthy companions. "Get in! I'll finish moving them away from the water first." He bent to lift the heavy, lifeless body of a varghest over his shoulder, not even grimacing when its slimy entrails squished and slid down his back.

"Thank you, Bull." Ellana glanced toward Dorian. Varric was already in the murky yet relatively clean water, naked save for his miniscule and far-too-tight smallclothes, wading. He looked the most relaxed she'd seen him, maybe ever. 

Dorian stood at the edge of the waters, wincing as he daintily dipped a toe in. His tan, sweaty skin glistened in the late afternoon sun. His underthings were at least of an adequate size, yet emphasized the round perkiness of his behind. Bull slapped it as he passed by, barking a laugh when Dorian let out a high-pitched yelp. "What's the matter? Not up for a swim?" 

"On the contrary; I'm dying for it. I've needed this for weeks, as have the rest of us." He pursed his lips in thought, hesitating. "I just do not think the water is as trustworthy as it looks. Who knows what lies inside, waiting for us?"

"You're right," Varric replied, floating along on his back, grinning. "I'd be afraid, too. This dwarf bites."

Ellana pulled her boots off, letting them fall to the ground beside her with a thump. Her armor, gloves, pants, and tunic were thrown beside them, and finally she stood in her breast band and smallclothes. The former had grown far too tight over the course of their trip to the Wastes and had left her with painful marks across her ribs and a feeling of breathlessness when she ran. The Inquisitor had wondered, briefly, what had caused her breasts to change, but attributed it to being a woman. 

Bull strode past her suddenly, with purpose, and she noticed quickly how very  _ naked  _ he was. He stood behind Dorian, laying his hands upon the mage’s hips, and picked him up with almost no effort, throwing him like a catapult into the water. Dorian squawked, flapping his arms not unlike a duck attempting to take flight, and landed on his ass, sputtering as he spat out water. 

“This place is usually dry,” Bull said, taking a running stance. “The only reason there’s water here is because of rain, which happens rarely. You should be more afraid of me than anything else!” And he stepped forward, launching himself with great power and ease into the watering hole, landing next to Dorian who thankfully laughed.

“ _ Vishante Kaffas _ , you reek!”

“We all do. And anyway, you like it.” 

“Not at this particular moment.”

They continued to bicker lightheartedly while Ellana stepped into the water. It was cooler than she expected. She relaxed into the water, dunking her head briefly, washing away sweat and dirt. A sense of peace overcame her, allowing her to forget about her troubles for just a moment. Still, she wished Cullen was there. Ellana could easily imagine him wrapping his arms around her middle, coaxing her to lean against him, hands resting along the swell of her—

She shook her head, sending the thought away. There was no way she could think about anything of the sort. Though their relationship wasn’t entirely new, their intimacy was, and it would be a long time before either of them should even consider the thought of children. She wasn’t even sure if Cullen’s family knew about her, or if they would accept her. Not only that, they had never even spoken about their future. This was not something she wanted to waste time thinking about, not when there were so many more important things ahead of her. 

Each enemy felled brought them one step closer to Corypheus, even though he may still be miles and miles away. The world was far too dangerous to even think about bringing another life into it. She would  _ not  _ entertain the thought.

~~~~~

“So I think I know what these maps lead to,” Varric plopped down beside her in front of the campfire, said maps in hand. He spread them out on the sand before her. Ellana laid her bowl of stew atop them as a weight. She hadn’t been feeling hungry, anyway. Her stomach felt forever in knots. “I think it must be caves of some sort. They obviously hold something important - something Corypheus is after. We should check it out.”

Ellana hummed in agreement, running a finger over an especially thick red line of ink. “There seem to be five separate caves. Do you think they could somehow be connected?”

“I think for that to happen, they’d have to be Dwarven made. They’re pretty far from each other.”

“Right. Anyway, I’ll send a missive back to Skyhold to let them know our arrival will be further delayed. Another week should do it.” She wiped her hands on the thighs of her breeches, pausing at Varric’s guilty smile. 

“Actually, I already sent a message ahead, and to Griffon Wing Keep. Knight-Captain Rylen and a few of his recruits should be arriving around sunset tomorrow.”

“The more the merrier.” Ellana lifted a questioning eyebrow, confused. Varric shook his head. “What?”

“We’ve got it from here, boss.” Bull came up from behind her, so silently she hadn’t heard him, but she didn’t jump, used to it by now. He had been a spy for a reason. He clapped her on the shoulder, none too gently, and chuckled at her wince. “You head on back with Dorian. We already talked this out amongst ourselves. It’s only a two-day ride from here to the Imperial Highway. I doubt you’ll run into much trouble on the way. We’ve pretty much cleared the area.” 

“And you left me out of that conversation?” She was angry, though not as much as she would have been if she wasn’t exhausted and her stomach wasn’t constantly rolling. “I am the Inquisitor.”

“You need to go back,” Varric patted her knee gently, reassuring her. “We made this decision ourselves because we knew you’d push yourself to stay longer. I don’t mean to brag, but we don’t need you. You may be the Inquisitor and all, but you’re no help when you’re struggling to stand upright.” Bull nodded in agreement and pulled away to enter his tent, where Dorian was already fast asleep. “Plus, I’ll bet Curly is currently dying waiting for you. You really want to make him wait longer?”

Ellana pressed her lips together in a thin line, fighting a wry smile. “You’re right, I know you are. I just wish you would have talked to me first.”

“I’m sorry you felt like I was going over your head, but I only did it for your benefit. You do deserve a break sometimes, you know that, right?”

“Bit hard to with the weight on my shoulders.” She ran a hand over her face and sighed. “Everyone is waiting for me to win this fight and rid them of Corypheus for good.” 

“Which is why you should take what rest you can get, when you can.” Varric collected the maps once more, stretching his arms above his head as he stood. “Race you to Skyhold.”

She laughed openly, punching his leg half-heartedly. “With your short little legs? Not a chance. I’d get there a month before you.”

“Yeah yeah, you think that, but I’m surprisingly nimble.” He walked away, throwing a “Good night, Firebolt” over his shoulder. She sighed and stood, picking up her bowl and handing it off to the nearest soldier; he shrugged and thanked her before digging in. 

The sun set slowly, and Ellana knew that if they were to leave, it would need to be soon. She chewed her bottom lip before turning to the soldier she had just handed her dinner to. “Wake Dorian and I in an hour, would you? And have our horses packed and ready, if you please. We’ll be setting out for Skyhold.”

“Yes, Your Worship,” he spoke over a mouthful of stew, swallowing so quickly he began to cough.

“Take your time, please.”

“Yes, Inquisitor.” His cheeks pink, he saluted her. She entered her own tent, laying down for a much needed respite.

~~~~~

Days passed with surprising ease. Ellana suffered from bouts of nausea, and her eating habits hadn’t improved, but the steady ride from the Hissing Wastes through the Western Approach and to the edge of the Dales where the Imperial Highway began somehow soothed her stomach. 

Dorian became increasingly aware of her illness. Ellana noticed his eyes on her when she picked at her food, and tried to make lighthearted conversation, hoping to distract him from drawing conclusions. She had a feeling, though, that once they passed through the Frostbacks to Skyhold, she’d have to face the music.

It was a record nine days before they made it to Lydes, with another three before they’d cross the Frostbacks and be able to see Skyhold on the horizon. With time to spare, Dorian and Ellana made the mutual decision to stay the night at a tavern. Ellana had always loved setting up a tent, or sleeping under a blanket of stars, as it brought back wonderful memories of her clan, but Dorian was never one for it, and much preferred the refinement of an actual bed. 

The two friends arrived in the early afternoon, just in time for supper: vegetable pies and roasted nug, much to Dorian’s displeasure. Ellana paid for a room for the night to share, and had baths drawn for the both of them. After they finished dressing, feeling more like real people than they had in a while, they sat together at the end of the bed, feet dangling over the edge while they ate. Dorian guzzled a pint of Ferelden ale and commented on how amazingly palatable it actually was.

“Or maybe,” he drawled, licking his lips as he pondered. “Maybe I’ve just been away from Tevinter for so long now that my taste buds have deteriorated. I must return before I start bathing in mud and wrestling mabari.” 

Ellana scoffed, taking a large bite of flaky crust. Her stomach seemed to be holding the pie down quite well. “Oh, please. Perhaps you have a drop of Ferelden blood in you?”

“That’s preposterous! My father would likely have you killed for that.”

“It’s a good thing we are far, far from Tevinter, then.” She stood, setting her unfinished plate upon the table below the window. The sky had darkened, signalling rain. They might have needed to stay an extra day. The mountain path was already treacherous this time of year, as snow finally melted from the tops, trickling down to the river below. She imagined the hills surrounding Skyhold would be green and blooming by then. 

Her stomach twisted, coiling like a snake, and Ellana made a mad dash for the chamber pot behind a wooden partition. She was able to wrap her arms around it just in time for her belly to empty itself. While Dorian tutted worriedly, rushing to hold her hair back so she wouldn’t have to wash it again. 

“Are you all right?” He fretted, bringing a handkerchief up to wipe away clammy sweat from her brow. 

“I’m fine, just fine,” she took the cloth from his hand, flashing him a grateful half-smile, and used it to pat her lips dry. “My stomach has been a bit out of sorts. I think it must have been the heat.”

“We’re no longer in the Wastes,” Dorian quirked an eyebrow, and Ellana hated the knowing look in his eyes. She stood quickly, waving him away. Ellana returned to their shared bed and rested on her side, enjoying the cool sheets against her heated skin. “If it was the heat, you wouldn’t be sick like this now.”

“Really, it’s nothing. I mean it.”

“Ellana,” he walked to the bed to sit beside her, laying a hand gently against her hip. 

“Dorian,” she said sternly, rolling back over to face him. “Please, please leave it alone.”

“At least let me check.”

“No.”

“Ellana.” His tone was disapproving. The corners of his mouth curled into a concerned frown.

“I said no.”

“Are all elves this stubborn, or just you?” A small smile answered him. “Just you then, of course. All right, I know when to leave well enough alone.” He pulled the coverlet up and over her, then stood once more with a light tap to her bottom. Dorian took their dinner plates and set them outside their door to be picked up later. He closed the door, slid the lock home, and doused the gas lamps, joining her on the other side of the mattress. 

They laid in the dark for a while, the sound of raucous laughter rising from the floor beneath. Ellana’s heart pounded fiercely in her chest, and she felt she might end up chasing it in the dark as it tried to escape. 

Dorian’s breathing turned deep and slow, and when she was sure he was fast asleep, she lifted the blankets from her stomach. Hands laid tenderly across her abdomen. Her monthly courses had been off balance since she’d acquired the mark on her left hand. She knew that constant riding, running, fighting, and stress were to blame; all part of being a public figure, attempting to save the world. Thinking on it now, she should have known. Just because her monthly courses had stalled, didn’t mean it was impossible. She should have taken precautions. 

Ellana took a deep, shuddering breath, and pushed ever so gently. Calling forth her mana, encasing the tips of her fingers in an ethereal blue light, she delved inside.

For a moment she froze, mouth agape, in awe. There was a flutter of movement. It was small, the size of a raspberry, but it had a heart that beat in time with her own quickening pulse. She struggled to think back.  _ When? The first, the second? When?  _ They’d first laid together in Cullen’s office almost eight weeks before, and a week after that the second time. Then she’d had the dream. Halla, birds, and apple - they had all been a sign that she had refused to see.  _ This cannot be. _

  
Seven weeks. Eight weeks?  _ Fenedhis. _


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellana laid awake for hours, hands fisted into the sheets to keep them anywhere but her stomach, twisting and turning as she stewed in suspense and unease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: minor character death, minor character suicide mention, minor character miscarriage/still birth mention
> 
> This took a while for me to get out - I knew what I wanted to say but couldn't say it. I hate when that happens! Thankfully I have a very good friend who helped me think of better ways to get to where I wanted, and I can safely say I'm proud of the product haha A little over a week of absolute torture, and here you go. I'll of course have this edited and reuploaded later.
> 
> You can find me at cullensawkwardneckscratch @ tumblr
> 
> PLEASE leave a comment or kudos, but I would truly appreciate comments. I would really like to know -  
> 1 thing you like  
> 1 thing you'd like to see more of  
> 1 thing you think I could improve on
> 
> I'm open to concrit, but please keep it positive and civil, if you can :) I'm starting to feel proud of this work! I think there's a distinct difference between now and the first 3 chapters. I'm getting my writing style back!

Ellana laid awake for hours, hands fisted into the sheets to keep them anywhere but her stomach, twisting and turning as she stewed in suspense and unease.

She should have realized what her dream had meant, before. The Dalish believed strongly in conception dreams and she knew the signs well. She remembered when her mother had had her own dream, when she and her father had sat with her around the fire in early winter, eating a meager breakfast before father headed out with the other huntsmen. She had been six at the time, little fingers and toes perpetually coated in grime that her mother would attempt to scrub away nightly, scolding her lightly with a sweet, loving smile. 

_“I saw a single pear, in a field, surrounded by butterflies, fluttering their blue-speckled wings. A halla appeared and nosed the pear towards me and I took a bite, and it was sweet. One butterfly, different from the others_ _landed on my chest, and its wings beat in time with my heart.”_

Ellana remembered the story well, because of the way her father had reacted, jumping up and whooping in triumph with a big, toothy grin. Her mother had laughed when he’d dropped to his knees and pulled her in for a hug, kissing her hairline reverently. _“A boy this time, I’m sure of it.”_ He’d said.

The other part of her dream _—_ the horrifying part — could easily be explained. Her mother had died in her last week, during birth. She had bled out, far too quickly for anyone to catch, and the baby had gone along with her. Her father was right though, it had been a boy. A brother, with the cord wrapped around his neck and face turned white and dark brown hair, just like her father’s. 

He had come running home, hours after, with the fruits of his labor tied around his waist. He’d seen Ellana sitting outside of their tent and had stopped to hug her briefly before heading inside, not knowing what was waiting for him. Ellana had never forgotten his screams, his sobs, or the way he had collapsed against his wife's still body. The baby laid across her chest, eyes closed as if he were dreaming.

Her father hadn’t taken the loss well, for he’d loved his wife far more than anything. It was two weeks later when he finally emerged from beneath fur blankets, eyes bloodshot and expression lifeless. Ellana sat with the Keeper a few yards off after he’d kissed her, and watched her father stumble into the trees, towards the riverbank, until she could no longer see him. They would have stopped him, if they had known.

She still remembered, in great detail, the way her mother’s eyes turned glassy with unshed tears, smiling a goodbye, not knowing it would be her last. She still remembered her father’s eyes, dull and unseeing as he kissed her hair, and his lingering touch as he walked away, knowing his goodbye would be forever.

~~~~~

The moon’s glow lit the side of Dorian’s sleep slackened face from where it shone through the window above the tavern’s bed. Ellana still couldn’t sleep, mind far too muddled.

 _There's still time,_ she thought, ruefully. _I might yet lose it on the way._ She hated herself for it, for the resentment she felt towards something born of love that she couldn't have. Not now, and maybe never, if Cullen reacted the way her brain seemed to think he would. 

In every scenario she imagined, Cullen was angry, bitter, and spiteful. His hands tightened into fists, he threw vases, he cursed her name and stormed out, ending everything. She couldn’t imagine a scenario that ended well.

Ellana knew Cullen to be a family man. When the information had been coaxed out of him, she’d been amazed at the softness in his expression as he talked fondly of his brother and sisters. Her heart had fluttered, hopeful, maybe one day he would look the same as he held their children. _Children._ There was so much she wanted, but was afraid to say. What if he didn’t want forever? And what if forever wasn’t something they could have? 

Neither of them could promise that they would survive what was to come. 

She tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable position, attempting to think of anything but what was now growing inside of her. She couldn’t think of it, refused to, for she knew if she did she might not recover from what was to come.

It had to be done, for the baby’s sake, as well as their own.

~~~~~

The morning started with a bang that sounded suspiciously like Dorian’s ass hitting the floor. “Maker’s _breath_!” 

Ellana woke abruptly, sitting up on one forearm while the other hand rubbed sleep-crusted eyes. “Dorian? What happened?”

“Oh, nothing at all dear, I was just… stretching, yes, getting in a good morning stretch, here, on this marvelously dusty floor.”

She quirked an eyebrow at him inquisitively. Dorian stood and brushed himself off, clearing his throat. He flashed her a quick grin as he reached for the water jug, pouring himself a glass, which he chugged down fast, and none too gracefully. Water spilled out over the sides and onto his nightshirt. He scrubbed the back of his hand over his mouth. Dorian couldn’t seem to meet her eyes. 

“Dorian,” Ellana began, but he lifted said hand to silence her. The corner of his mustache twitched.

“I may have, um, confirmed my own suspicions. While you were sleeping.” And before she could answer, anger bubbling up and into her throat, he stopped her again. “I was worried about you, and you wouldn’t let me help. I had to do something.”

“You had no right to, Dorian. I told you no.” Ellana sat up fully then, turning to face him. The blanket fell off her shoulders and into her lap.

“Yes, well, you are right about that. And I understand you’re angry with me.” He stopped, lips pressed together in frustration, and ran a hand through his hair. “But Ellana, if it wasn’t _that,_ then it would have been something else. You’ve been ill, depressingly so, and I haven’t seen you eat an entire meal in weeks, so forgive me, but I was _afraid._ ” 

She sighed and slumped forward, head in her hands as her anger dissipated leaving only trepidation in its wake. “I’m sorry, lethallin. You’re right.”

Dorian moved to sit beside her and gently pulled her fingers from where they were tangled in her amber tresses. “I was wrong to betray your trust, and I’m sorry for that at least.” He took her hands in his and coaxed her into meeting his gaze. His lips twisted into a small but warm, encouraging smile. Her eyes filled with tears but she blinked them away, biting into her bottom lip to stop them from flowing over. “This isn’t going to be easy, but I _am_ here, and I’m not about to let you do this alone.”

Her tears did flow, then, in rivulets down her pale cheeks. Dorian wiped them away with the pads of his thumbs. “I know what the best decision is, but I don’t know if I want to go through with it. I don’t know what to _do_.”

“There are options, Ellana: spells and potions that would be relatively painless. If we’re to use them, it’s better to act quickly, however,” he paused to make sure she was truly listening. “I think you should speak to the Commander, first.”

Ellana froze, heart rate picking up speed as she imagined that conversation. “No, no, I don’t want him to know, Dorian, please.”

“Give it some time. Think about it. I won’t force you into anything. I am on your side, no matter what you choose, and I will wholeheartedly respect whatever you decide, but if you go through with this without letting Cullen know, and he finds out later, he would be devastated you hadn’t told him. Keeping such heavy secrets is never a good thing.”

“There is no decision to be made, Dorian, I must do this. I have no right to birth a child into the world in its current state. I can’t allow it.” She shook her head fervently, holding Dorian’s gaze. She could see no judgement from him and felt her tensed shoulders relax by a fraction. “I won’t.” 

“I understand, but please for your sake, and Cullen’s, take a few days.”

She knew Dorian was right. Not telling Cullen could lead to disaster, and a potentially ruined relationship. That was not what she wanted, but neither was this, with their love so new. More than anything, Ellana was afraid. Not just of Corypheus, the war they were currently fighting, or of a baby. Before the Conclave, she had been training under Keeper Deshanna as her first. The Keeper was not only a leader, wise and unafraid, but a healer. She welcomed many new children into the clan with ease, and Ellana had been trained to do the same. Childbirth was not new to her, and though it would be far off, that couldn’t keep her anxiety at bay. Helping her fellow people bring a child into the world was nothing; giving birth to her own was a far different matter. 

That was not her main issue, however. She had spent most of the night lying awake, dreading the sunrise and wracking her brain for a perfect answer that never came. Of course Cullen should know, but was she to do if he didn’t agree with what she had decided? It would cause a rift between them, and it would be something she knew neither of them could come back from. It would be the end, and she was not prepared for that.

“Alright. I’ll think about it.”

~~~~~

Ellana winced as she dug her feet into the mud, hoping the suction of it would be enough to keep her from sliding further down the sloped mountain path. The melting ice and snow, further worsened by spring rains, had caused a mudslide which had covered the vast majority of the end of the imperial highway leading through the Frostbacks. What should have been another day's ride had turned into two, then three, as they attempted to circumnavigate. 

She’d brought her Dalish All-Bred for this exact reason, though even the sure-footed horse was having difficulty lifting his mud-caked hooves. She patted his shoulder in sympathy, and Assan turned his head, nudging her with his nose, huffing gently against the skin of her hand. Ellana’s lips twitched into a little smile and she scratched at his nape before urging him on. Once they cleared the mud, they’d be but a few hours ride from Skyhold, and though her chest burned with unease, she wouldn’t deny her desire to sleep in her own bed next to her favorite warm body. 

“Dorian,” she called ahead. He stood a few yards in front with his own horse, Kevesh, removing as much of the heavy muck from her legs as he could. He lifted his head in answer, and Ellana could see a splattering of brown from his hairline to where his collarbone disappeared under his armor. Biting back a grin, she continued. “What would you do, in this situation?”

He stood straight, dropping Kevesh’s leg abruptly. She stamped her hoof in frustration and he petted her mane in apology. “Thankfully, I don’t have a uterus and never will, so the thought hasn’t crossed my mind.” Dorian’s mouth twisted into a frown. 

She paused for a moment, conflicted. The mud was beginning to dry, sticking less and less as they walked. Their boots dried and hardened dirt fell off in chunks. “How do you think Cullen will react?”

“You know our darling Commander far better than I do, in very intimate ways,” he winked. She rolled her eyes. “Truthfully, Ellana, I don’t know, but I hope he will respect whatever decision you make.”

Ellana took a deep breath and finally found the courage to ask the question that had been plaguing her since that morning in the tavern. “Have you… done it, before? The procedure?”

His expression turned quite dark. Kevesh’s ears twitched and he leaned into Dorian’s side until the mage nudged him back, patting the horse’s neck. “I learned it from a book I’d picked up in my father’s study, late one night, when I’d overheard one of our… slaves, crying into the shoulder of another. She’d apparently been raped, unsurprisingly, by one of my father’s acquaintances, who had visited a few weeks before. I’d always hated that man with a passion, and she had needed help, so I helped her. It’s fairly simple and mostly painless, or so I’ve been told. You have nothing to worry about. I have enough experience with it.”

“I take it you’ve helped more than one unfortunate slave?” She asked, trying to mask her surprise at his answer. She knew Dorian to be kind-hearted, but coming to the aid of Elven slaves came as a bit of a shock. He was Tevinter, after all. Ellana felt guilty, then, that she hadn’t given him the benefit of the doubt. Dorian was no normal Tevinter, he’d proven that much.

“Sadly, yes. After I helped the first, more came in droves and well, I couldn’t push them away. I taught them the recipes they needed to know. I helped them, in what ways that I could. At least I can say that much.”

“You’re a good man, Dorian.”

He laughed then, expression lightening quickly as he shook the last dregs of the conversation away. “I know, and devastatingly handsome as well. What would you ever do without me?”

Ellana grinned fully, unwavering, feeling a bit of the weight on her chest lifted, though not entirely. “I wonder how Varric and Bull are doing.”

“Hopefully ridding the world of Venatori.”

“I could have stayed around for that.”

“No, you couldn’t have. They wouldn’t have let you stay, anyway. They sent us ahead for a reason.” He ran a hand over his cheek then and realized his face was covered in mud and grumbled, using a clean part of his sleeve to rub it away. “ _Venhedis_. I’ll have to burn this once we arrive. It’s completely ruined!”

She paused for a moment, conflicted, sighing eventually. “I should have realized; of course they knew.”

“You’ve been a bit preoccupied. They were only looking out for you, as friends do.”

“What good friends I’ve been blessed with.” They shared a brief smile. Ellana pulled gently on Assan’s reigns, coaxing him to quicken his pace. Soon, they were away from the mess and back on the main path where there was less of a mess. The rest of their journey would pass with ease. 

She could see the rise and fall of a familiar set of mountains in the distance, no longer capped with snow, instead green and lush from new leaves and blossoming flowers. The tallest tower became visible, then the walls surrounding the Inquisition's home and before they knew it, they could hear a horn in the distance, signaling their return. The gate was opened and soldiers greeted her, saluting, taking Assan and Kevesh to be groomed and fed. The courtyard was lively, and people quickly greeted them, welcoming them home. 

Ellana glanced up towards the Battlements and saw him descending the steps quickly, maned tunic flapping in the slight breeze. The air smelled of the warmth of spring. His hair was perfectly slicked back, glistening with oil. His lips pulled tightly into a brilliant smile, all teeth and no shame. Disregarding those around her, and the dried mud encasing her legs, he leaned down and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her up against him, and crushed his lips sweetly against hers. All anxiety left her then and she giggled, bringing her arms up to curl around his neck, holding him closer. _Cullen._

“I missed you so,” he murmured against her, then pulled away to take her in. His grin never faltered. _Oh, ma vhenan._

Her feet touched the ground once more, but her arms never left his shoulders. She pressed her mouth to his scarred lip, pecking once, twice, three times. “I’m home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, feel free to leave a comment :) I'd really love to know  
> 1 thing you like  
> 1 thing you'd like to see more of  
> 1 thing you think I could improve on
> 
> Thank you for reading!!!  
> You can find me at cullensawkwardneckscratch @ tumblr


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her pulse was rapid. Her breath stopped, stuck in her lungs, unable to be let free. Her fingers twitched against her scalp. When she finally found she could exhale again she did so, heavily, sucking in a new breath that threatened to stick again. “I…” She stopped, breathed out once and then in again, removing her fingers from her hair, and turned to look Cullen right in the eyes. 
> 
> "I'm pregnant."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is NSFW!! Major sex scene. You have been warned.
> 
> I have to say, this chapter I'm very proud of. Once I got the hang of it, it was so easy to write, and flowed very well, I think. This is the best sex scene I have EVER written. I really, really like it lol
> 
> If you have anything to say, please leave a comment! I'd love to hear from you. If you're too anxious to say anything, or are not sure what to say, leave a kudos or if you already have, leave a heart in the comments! It would make my day. If you can't, that's fine too :)
> 
> UNEDITED. Will be edited and reposted at a later time.

Of course, happy, restful moments never seemed to last for the leader of the Inquisition. It was only a split second they were together when Ellana was being whisked away to deal with more “pressing” matters. Apparently addressing nobles and answering letters from supporters was far more important than getting a day of rest, according to Josephine, who seemed restless herself, stalking back and forth across her office with pen and board in hand. It was just hours later, when her hand cramped and eyes began to droop that Leliana came to save her from falling asleep where she sat, legs pulled up to her chest at Josephine’s desk while Josie filled her in on every little thing Ellana had missed while she was away. 

“There’s been another incident with the Comte de Mourier,” Leliana began, turning the ambassador subtly away from Ellana’s escape route. She motioned with a very slight, almost imperceptible nod of her head towards the door, and Ellana couldn’t hold back a relieved smile, using what stealth she had to tip-toe around them and out of the door, breaking out into a run once she was home-free. She ran up the stairs and into her quarters, slamming the door shut behind her, unable to contain her sighs. 

The Inquisitor turned and rested her head against the heavy wooden door, where she was met by the sight of familiar worn parchment, tacked at arm’s length to the entryway. A list of the deceased, those who had fallen in service of the Inquisition. She stilled for a moment then brought her fingertips to rest against the recently added names, the soldiers from the Hissing Wastes. For a moment she fought against the tears pricking her eyes, wondering when her heart wouldn’t crumble in pain at the sight of those names, but blinked them away as a sound coming from her bed disrupted her thoughts. Ellana spun around, heart racing, and went forward and up into the room. 

Cullen sat at the edge of the mattress in plainclothes - an off-white tunic that tightly fit across his ripped chest and sinewy arms, and light brown breeches that cut off mid-calf. His blonde hair was ruffled from nervous fingers running through it. Cullen stood when he saw her, the tips of his ears and cheeks tinged pink, while he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. 

“I, ah,” It was then she noticed purple flower petals strewn across linen sheets and a bottle of wine along with a plate of cheeses and bread atop her desk. It was mid-afternoon still, and bright, warm sunlight shone over her green and gold embroidered rugs covering the cool stone floors. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Not long, I hope.” There was a fluttering of butterflies in her stomach. Ellana attempted to reign in her nervousness, taking a steady breath in through her nose. The air of her room was fresh and floral. Someone had clearly aired it out, it wasn’t musty like it usually was after a long time away.

“No, not at all. Just enough time for me to set this up.” His answering smile was enchanting, lips red where they’d been bitten. Her heart thumped heavily against her ribcage, and she thought briefly, _I may need to sit down._

Cullen moved to her desk and with steady hands poured wine into two glasses, passing one to her. _One glass won’t hurt._ She was hesitant to take it from him but was afraid of what questions he might ask so she took it, clinking their cups together before taking a sip. It was sweet but acidic.

“I thought it would be nice for us to take the afternoon to spend some time together.” He said, leaning back on one hand against the desk. He seemed so much more confident then, sure of what he was doing, no longer anxious. She wished she could feel the same. The butterflies were making their way up her throat, threatening to spill out. The more she looked at him, the more she thought about the life growing inside her. _I wonder if it will have his eyes…_ She had to tell him before it was too late, but she couldn’t find the words. 

“You must be tired.” Cullen frowned a bit at her lack of reaction, stepping forward to lay his hand gently against her rosy cheek. 

“No, I’m alright,” she shook her head, dismissing her negative thoughts. If tomorrow was to go the way she feared it would, Ellana wanted to have just a few more fond memories of their time together. Something to remember him by when it all went downhill.“Well, maybe a little, but I’d rather be with you.”

He pressed a loving kiss against her brow. She closed her eyes at the contact, committing the feeling to memory. “We have all the time in the world, my love. Why don't you take a seat?”

A hand took the wine from her, setting it back down on the desktop, and motioned for her to join him. She sat and began to remove her boots, when Cullen stopped her, dropping to one knee before her. His cheeks were inflamed but his touch was self-assured. He pressed a kiss to her clothed knee, undoing the buckles and ties and dropping the boot to the side where it thumped softly against the carpet. Ellana felt a spark of heat in her chest, traveling down to where she was most sensitive, and she swallowed thickly. Lust quickly filled her. 

"I want to take care of you. Can I?" He asked, eyes sultry and half-lidded. She nodded her assent far too quickly.

Cullen continued on, removing her other boot. Large, rough hands took hold of her calves. Her mouth had fallen open in awe as she watched him. He kissed his way up to her thighs, eyes flickering towards her face, chuckling at her obvious yearning. Fingers took hold of the edge of her breeches, tugging lightly as if to ask for further permission and she again nodded, fervently, forgetting herself for a moment. His answering smile was blinding. 

Her heart _ached_.

She lifted her hips to help with the process and her pants were gone, off to collect dust in a corner somewhere. Along went her smallclothes and her tunic, until she was in nothing but her breastband. At some point, Ellana’s hands had made their way up and under Cullen’s own shirt. The front was untied, hanging down loosely, brushing against her heaving chest when he leaned down to take her mouth. His tongue slid against hers, slick and soft but insistent, and she forgot how to breathe. His hands roamed her body, touching parts of her he knew would elicit a moan, and learning new sensitive places he hadn’t touched before. When he finally pulled back, they were gasping for breath, lips almost crimson. 

Ellana placed her marked hand against his chest and pushed him back lightly and he went with no resistance, looking lost and rejected for a moment before he realized what she was doing. “Please, you don’t have to—”

She licked a stripe down his abdomen, followed the trail of hair on his stomach, down to where his erection pressed achingly against his breeches. She pulled him free and he sprung up, almost slapping her in the face, and they laughed breathlessly, cheeks ruddied with embarrassment and arousal. “I want to. Let me do this.”

Cullen said nothing then, but his chest seemed to fall more rapidly, and his fingers flitted across her shoulder blades, unsure of where to touch. She took a hand in hers and led it to the back of her neck. His eyes darkened with heat and wonder as she took the head in her mouth, tonguing his salty slit. He groaned.

It was easy to set a rhythm. She bobbed her head, pressing the tip of her tongue against his underside, to the vein across the middle where he seemed to be most sensitive. His hand against her neck twitched and his grip grew tighter until he was groaning loudly and pulling her back. His cock slipped free, twitching, wet with her saliva, and flushed with arousal. “Stop, stop, not yet. I want to be inside you.”

Her stomach swirled with arousal at the thought, and once again the butterflies threatened to spill-free. She didn’t have a moment to think before his hands were on her thighs, pulling down roughly until her back was flat against the bed and her hair fell out of its usual braid.

He groaned hungrily and was upon her quickly, throwing her legs over his shoulders and laying flat on his front, propped up on his elbows as he licked through her folds to where she needed him most. Pleasure tore through her and she curled her toes against his back, fisting her fingers into the sheets below. Thick fingers probed against her opening and he pressed one, then two, then three into her, suckling on her clit as he curled them gently up. She could have screamed, was ready until the breath was taken from her and for a moment she forgot she even had a heartbeat until it came roaring back to life, loud in her ears. The sound of his slurping, his groaning as he lapped up her juices from around his thrusting fingers, made her keen. 

She could see the static in the air, could feel her hair standing on end, and her control slipping through sweat slickened fingers. Cullen’s thumb then found her, rubbing frantically as he sucked marks into the skin of her inner thighs. The squelching sound of his fingers thrusting rapidly inside her cunt filled the room, and she came. Lightning burst from her fingertips, not unlike the last time they had done this, and she struggled to control the path it took across singed sheets. Her orgasm lingered, skin sensitive to even the lightest of touches, yet she was horrified at her lack of control. Cullen pulled back and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, but Ellana could still see her juices upon his chin, glistening in the light of the setting sun. His eyes were wild with desire. The former Templar was not afraid.

He took hold of himself then, and she dug her heels into her back, lifting her hips so that he could slide in effortlessly, and he did, meeting no resistance. There was a bit of a stretch, nothing she couldn’t handle. Cullen leaned forward on his hands, opening her up even further, and snapped his hips forward, groaning at how deeply she took him. “Oh, _Maker_. ” His voice was hoarse; breathy. 

She clenched around him and one hand found his stomach, feeling the way his muscles tensed as he thrust in and out and in, the drag of him so satisfying. She used that hand to push him back enough that he slid out, sitting back on his heels so she could turn onto her front. Her head rested against the bed, between rumpled pillows, and he pulled one over to rest under her hips, propping her bottom up enough that it was easy for him to straddle her thighs and slide back in.

They moaned in unison as he breached her once more, but the feeling was different now, the glide of his cock was harder, reaching deeper, different than before, touching something inside of her she had never felt before. When he began thrusting again, slowly then so fast and hard her eyes seemed to roll back, she thought she might get lost in it, in the way he pressed against her walls, the way they fluttered around him, squeezing tightly. 

It wasn’t long before she was cumming again, suddenly, so suddenly her mana hadn’t had time to collect, and her cunt gripped him so tightly he hissed as she rubbed against the pillow beneath her, chasing the feeling of her orgasm. Cullen couldn’t hold back any longer. His orgasm was coaxed out of him by her walls convulsing around him, wringing every last drop of his spend from his quickly withering length. 

His cock slid free and Cullen quickly followed its exit with the clean edge of the ruined sheet, wiping their combined liquids from her inner thighs. Ellana was floating then, exhaustion at the very edge of her consciousness, waiting to drag her into the Fade and possibly the deepest, most satisfying sleep of her life. She was aware of him standing, fixing the blankets so that she was laying on new, fresh covers, and laying a blanket over her rapidly cooling body. He chuckled as he threw the destroyed linens to the floor. “We’re going to have to invest in bedsheets.”

She groaned her disapproval, mouth unable to form words. Her eyes were closed. The Fade was so close to her now. 

He crawled under the covers beside her, chest to her back, and threw an arm over her. His hand rested lightly against her stomach. Sleep evaded her then as her heart seemed to come back to life, thumping double-time against her breastbone. She had to tell him. 

Ellana shivered nervously, but Cullen misunderstood it, crawling ever closer to her, pulling the blanket tighter against their bodies. She could feel him, limp against her backside. 

“Sleep,” he murmured into her hair. It seemed he was succumbing to the darkness behind his eyelids as well. “Rest, while you can. While we have the time together.”

If only he could know how his words twisted in her gut like a serrated knife. She fought a shudder and closed her eyes, trying to control her stuttering breath, and was asleep before she had time to feel surprised at how easy it was.

~~~~~

Her dreams slithered away from her like a snake fleeing a hawk’s gaze. The sun was just beginning to rise over the mountains, the air still and cool. The room was silent but for Cullen’s breathing, the rise and fall of his chest. She blinked dazedly, stomach roiling and Ellana gasped in pain as the acid clawed its way up her esophagus. She dove for the chamberpot where it sat on the stone floor of her closet and vomited. 

Her mouth was dry and acrid after she finished. She wiped the sweat from her temples and turned, shocked at the sight of Cullen in the doorway. At some point, he had put on his smallclothes. His expression was one of concern. The muscled, lean lines of his body were tense, brows furrowed with worry. He crouched beside her, seemingly pulling a handkerchief from thin air, using the corner of the cloth to wipe the last bit of sick from her mouth.

“Are you ill?” He flinched at his own question, lips pulling tightly into a frown. “Well, obviously you’re- what I mean is, are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

His eyebrows were so twisted in worry that she wondered if they would be perpetually stuck that way. “You don’t look fine.” Cullen took a deep breath, expression turning stern, reprimanding, just like an admonishing Commander. He rarely acted that way around her now. “I didn’t want to say anything, but- I noticed you’ve lost some weight. You look thinner than before, and—”

“It’s nothing, Cullen, really.” Her heart couldn’t take it. She needed to say it, to tell him, to end her suffering, but couldn’t bring herself to say the words. They wouldn’t form in her mouth, were clumsy on her tongue.

His expression darkened. He saw right through her lie. “Ellana, you need to tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it. I could ask Mother Giselle, or Solas, for remedies—”

“No!” She almost shouted, slapping a hand over her mouth quickly, looking away from him. He laid a reassuring hand against her shoulder, but she shrugged it away. Her fingers twisted into her hair. She wanted to pull it all out. “No, you can’t, it’s fine, it’s—”

“Please, love,” It was that which broke her. She had never heard him beg before, voice so soft and searching, helpless. “Tell me what’s wrong. I can fix it.”

Her pulse was rapid. Her breath stopped, stuck in her lungs, unable to be let free. Her fingers twitched against her scalp. When she finally found she could exhale again she did so, heavily, sucking in a new breath that threatened to stick again. “I…” She stopped, breathed out once and then in again, removing her fingers from her hair, and turned to look Cullen right in the eye. 

“I’m pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I think this has another 1 to 2 chapters left, at most. It'll be over soon. :( I'll miss Cully-Wully.
> 
> Come follow me at cullensawkwardneckscratch on tumblr! I don't know how to link in the notes but once I figure it out, I will lol


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisitor's condition is discovered, and the Commander does not take the news well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took SO LONG to get out because I wanted to do it right, my way, the way I had thought and planned it........... but it wouldn't come out that way. Things ended up getting changed, I had to research and read a lot to get the dialogue the way I wanted it, and even then it didn't seem quite right. I don't think I'm very good at capturing their character's, maybe I'm wrong, I dunno lol but I tried. Dorian is the hardest, for sure. The way he speaks is just not easy for me.
> 
> My next fic is going to be an unplanned pregnancy AU, but this time from Solas's POV. Little spoiler, he's coerced by a spirit of Desire into having what he thinks is "Fade sex" with his beloved Inquisitor, and things happen. Also have an Adoribull I'm working on for the Adoribull big bang 2020. Lots of things to do, and thankfully a lot of time to do it :) 
> 
> PLEASE leave a comment, kudos, subscribe, whatever. A comment of literally just a heart emoji is more than welcome. I appreciate any and all attention haha

“W-What?” 

“I’m pregnant.”

“You’re sure?” He was gaping, unblinking, the mask of the Commander completely slipped away. He waited for her answer, hands hovering over her shoulders. She could feel his heat.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Maker’s breath, Ellana, that’s… that’s…” A multitude of emotions passed over him, openly. He laughed, threw his hands in the air, and smiled. “That’s brilliant, Ellana, I can’t believe it.”

Ellana said nothing, dropping her head into her hands once more. She had known he would be excited, knew how much he loved his family, knew how much he yearned for his own though he never said it, never needed to. It was evident in the way he had gazed longingly at the children running through Haven, and in the way he had mourned them, praying for their safe journey to the Maker’s side in the weeks after. She had caught him more than once upon their arrival to Skyhold in the newly appointed Chantry, on his knees before Andraste, murmuring a chant for the departed. 

He pulled her in for a hug and caressed her slumped shoulders ever so gently, not noticing her own subdued reaction. She could feel the delight radiating from him in crippling waves. It hurt to breathe. 

“Cullen,” Her voice was drained, defeated. “We can’t. I can’t.”

He paused, pulled back slightly, and attempted to coax Ellana into raising her head. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t have this child.”

She was not expecting what came next. 

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?” His hands slid away from her. Ellana’s head whipped towards him but Cullen quickly stood, turning so she could no longer see his face. The muscles of his shoulders were taut. 

“What? Why would you think that?” She reached for his hand where it was fisted at his side but he took a step away, running a hand roughly over his face. 

“The child of an ex-Templar. Of course you wouldn’t want it, what if it were a mage? I wouldn’t trust me, either.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” Ellana stumbled to her feet and grabbed his hand then. He didn’t pull away but still refused to meet her gaze. She lifted her hands to his cheeks, tried to make him see, but he was stone-faced. “Cullen, that has absolutely nothing to do with this. I trust you, implicitly. You know this. Your past has nothing to do with the man you are now.”

“I would never hurt our child. Never.” He looked haunted at the mere thought, face ashen. The bags under his eyes darkened.

“I know, _ma vhenan_ , I know, but that is not why. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t trust you. We’ve talked about this.” She pulled him towards the bed and he sat, dropping his weight fully onto the mattress. He still wouldn’t look at her, but took her hands in his cautiously. A small improvement. 

“Then why?”

“I can’t have this child, now is not the right time. You must understand that.”

“You’ve obviously thought this through. You’ve made your decision. Without me.” He turned to her, lips pressed into a stern line. “That’s it, then. End of discussion.” 

Their eyes met and where hers were pleading, understanding, his were grim and bleak. Hardened. The last time she had seen him this way was when he had told her of the Lyrium in his desk drawer, the power it held over him, and why he should no longer hold a position in the Inquisition. 

“It’s what must be done, Cullen. There is no other way.” Ellana said, squeezing his hands briefly. She attempted to caress his cheek but he jerked back, away from her. 

“No, that can’t be true. There are other options, I know it, we could speak to Solas or—”

“We can’t let anyone know about this, Cullen. There are no options. Our world is not safe. We’re in the midst of a war, at the frontline. You must understand. We can’t go through with this, it’s unsafe, there are too many risks, it’s far too dangerous and even if I were to continue with the pregnancy—”

“We can figure this out, Ellana, we can!” He pleaded, pressing desperate kisses to the backs of her hands, and she trembled, shaking her head as he continued to beg. “Is it what you truly want? To destroy our child?”

It wasn’t as if she had never thought about it, late at night when sleep evaded her and she struggled to think of anything but violence and war. She had imagined, too many times to count — enough that she would have been highly embarrassed if anyone other than Cole could have read her thoughts — a family of her own. Living in the forest, among the trees, surrounded on all sides by low-hanging branches, just like she had done as a child. A river with a gentle current, curious fish that tickled their toes, lined with lotus they could pick to make the most delicious soups. She imagined not one child, but two, three, little fingers gripping her arms and neck as they wadded in the cool waters during the hottest months of the summer, splashing and laughing. Blonde, brown, curly, straight, green eyes, brown eyes, freckles dotting noses and cheeks, just like their parents. 

The part she fantasized about the most was Cullen. 

Cullen, holding their son or daughter, humming a lullaby as he rocked them to sleep by the dimming fire. Cullen with small wooden swords and shields, feigning injuries as he played, pretending to be the dragon of their fairy tale, war so long forgotten that he would no longer suffer from nightmares or tense at loud noises. 

Cullen, laying beside her late in the night, rubbing his hands along her rounded stomach, kissing promises into the back of her neck.

But they couldn’t have it. Not now.

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” she ripped her hands from his grasp, taking a few steps away from him to conceal her tears, guarding her expression, something she had learned to do with precision. How could she be the leader of the Inquisition, a diplomatic voice of reason, if she couldn’t control her emotions? He stood too, following after her, taking hold of her shoulders, trying to force her to look at him but she couldn’t. “It must be done, for the greater good. I’m the Inquisitor. I can’t afford this distraction.”

“Is that all it is to you, all I am to you? A distraction?”

“No, Cullen, that’s not —”

“I need some time. I need — I need to go.”

“Cullen,” she tried to pull him back but he side-stepped her, collecting his clothes from the floor. He shoved his legs through his breeches, ripped his head through the hole of his tunic and hastily fastened both. “Cullen, you must understand, I—”

“Please,” his reply was thick with frustration. “I can’t do this right now.” He ran a hand through his hair harshly, then tugged on his boots, storming down the stairs and out the door.

~~~~~

Her advisors did not meet in the war room that morning, and Ellana did not see Cullen around during breakfast or lunch. It was mid-afternoon by the time she found the courage to search him out, but when she walked the battlements to his office door, she saw that it was unlocked, and he was gone. So, she went looking for Jim, who had just been coming up the stairs to the western section of the battlements.

“Have you seen the Commander?” 

Jim jumped at her sudden question and saluted, almost dropping his clipboard in the process. He had been too absorbed in his paperwork to notice her. “No, Your Worship, I haven’t seen the Commander since last night. I was just on my way to his office to see if he was in.”

“Well, he’s not,” she grumbled, frowning. “If you happen to see him, please tell him I would like to speak with him. It’s urgent.”

“Yes, Inquisitor.” 

Ellana sighed and made her way back around, through Cullen’s office towards the library. The sun shone brightly, warming her skin against the breeze that cooled it. She could see the infirmary doors open, the wounded being carted outside for some fresh air, soldiers in the courtyard practicing their sword skills, and Cassandra, watching them from the outer ring, barking orders. It was a pleasant spring day, yet Ellana couldn’t seem to find any joy in it.

She entered the library, closing the door behind her, and had to blink several times before her eyes were able to adjust to the dim lighting. She found Dorian among a pile of books, dressed in deep maroon robes, cataloging a new shipment. He didn’t turn, but knew she was there, leaning against an empty bookcase. 

“Finally some decent material on the Imperium. I was becoming quite tired of reading about Divine Galatea’s Sunday shits.” It was when she didn’t answer that he finally looked up, standing to close the distance between them. “Ellana, what is it?”

“So, how do we do this?” She dodged his question, refusing to meet his eyes. 

“You’ve spoken to Cullen?”

“Please, Dorian,” she stared down at her hands where they twisted the hem of her shirt, successfully wrinkling the fabric. “How do we fix this?”

He leaned a bit closer and she could smell the sandalwood oil he used to tame his mustache. It was comforting, a familiar smell that reminded her of her clan. It was an oil they often used to anoint. “You’re not far enough along to need any magical intervention. I can procure a potion rather quickly— the ingredients are more simple than one would imagine. I can have it ready within the hour.”

“Right.” She could feel her heartbeat in her temples, pounding faster than a rabbit’s. Her palms were clammy, her chest heavy. 

“I’ll come to your room, after dinner. But Ellana, are you su—”

“Thank you.” She cut him off, eyes flickering up towards his face, taking in his worried expression, then towards the door leading back outside. She couldn’t seem to find her breath, it had caught in her chest, and she needed air. He reached for her but she stepped out of the way, swiftly retreating while she choked, silently. “I’ll see you then.”

Ellana could see him frown in her peripheral vision but she ran out the door and took the deepest breath she could manage. It did nothing to calm the constricted feeling in her chest.

~~~~~

Her untouched dinner had long grown cold by the time Dorian arrived at her door, knocking only once before entering. The anxiety and turmoil of her situation had done nothing but worsen her continuous nausea.

She had been pacing since she had entered the room, back and forth and back and forth across the plush carpet in her bare feet to her open balcony doors. She was surprised to note she hadn’t worn a hole through the rug yet. 

Brisk air blew in from the mountain tops, raising goosebumps along her arms, cooling the nervous sweat upon her neck. It was twilight, and she had still not heard a word from Cullen. 

Dorian stopped at the top of the staircase, watching her for a moment, then stepped forward to take Ellana’s hands in his, leading her to sit on the bed. She fell onto the mattress, none too gracefully, held down by the mage’s surprisingly strong grip. He sat beside her and flopped back to stare up at the ceiling, then turned to his side towards his friend. He didn’t speak.

The silence surrounding them was deafening. 

“Did you bring it?” She asked, staring out the open doors to the horizon. The sky had turned a mixture of tangerine and lilac, wispy clouds spreading to the ends of Thedas. It was beautiful.

“Of course.” He reached into his pocket and procured a small bottle, clear in color but filled with a black liquid resembling ink. 

She swallowed, but it caught in her throat. Dorian set the bottle on the blanket between them and continued to watch her. Waiting.

“Aren’t you going to leave now?” 

“Absolutely not.” He sat up and wriggled closer, wrapping an arm around her slumped shoulders. 

“Aren’t you going to— to question my decision?” Her hands trembled as they reached for the vial. The syrupy fluid sloshed around, coating the inside of the glass. 

“No, I trust you are doing what you think is right for you at this moment. I play no part in this. I am only here to be dashingly handsome, and to support my dearest friend in her time of need.”

She smiled slightly and leaned into his chest, resting her head upon his shoulder. His fingers rubbed circles into her tense muscles. “Thank you.” She whispered against the thick fabric of his robes. “Is it going to hurt?”

“Maybe a bit,” he answered honestly, leaning back to meet her gaze. “Some added nausea and light cramping. You’ll bleed for a few days after, but nothing too serious.” 

“Alright. Let’s do this.” She gripped the vial tightly and gripped the cork. Dorian stopped her with a hand to her arm, shaking his head.

“Why don’t we get you comfortable first?” He grabbed her pillows and piled them up behind her, propping Ellana up against the headboard. “To be honest, I’m surprised our gorgeous Commander has not graced us with his presence. He didn’t take the news well?”

She fingered the vial in her hands and sighed. “No, he… ran out this morning when I told him. I haven’t seen him since.”

“I’m sorry, Ellana. I’m sure he just needs some time.”

“I hope you’re right,” she said, fighting back the tears that pricked her eyes. 

“When have I ever been wrong?” She quirked a brow and he laughed once, settling down next to her, warming her side. 

The tiny bottle felt heavier than a boulder in her hands. She looked up, took in Dorian’s reassuring smile, the feel of his hand against her shoulder, comforting, and twisted the cork. It slid out, making no sound. The process seemed all too easy for what she was about to do. 

Ellana brought the bottle to her nose, sniffing it once, and winced at the unpleasant smell — like it had been left in a wet, musty corner of a dungeon to rot and mold. Deep mushrooms

She took a deep breath, ignored the feeling that she was falling down into the deepest darkest part of the Void, and lifted the opening to her trembling lips. 

~~~~~

There was a scuffling, a thud, and then the door to the room burst open, slamming against the stone wall behind it. Cullen ran to the top of the stairs, face red and chest heaving as if he had been running. There was a streak of dirt across his right cheek. 

His shoulders collapsed in relief when he saw that she had yet to take the potion. “I’m sorry I’m— I have no excuse. I’m so sorry.”

“And this is the part where I take my leave,” Dorian said and stood, clapping Cullen on the back as he walked past. The door creaked quietly as it shut behind him.

The Commander scratched at the back of his neck and sat at the very edge of the opposite side of the bed, eyes flickering between the vial in her hands, resting in her lap, and her weary expression.

“Where did you go today?” She asked. “I went looking for you, but you were nowhere to be found.” 

“I went for a ride and ended up going further than planned. I just… needed some time to think.”

She nodded and turned towards the open balcony doors. The sun had finally set, the sky turned a dark blue, almost black. Clouds covered their view of the moon. Soon they would be able to see stars.

“And I came to the realization that… I’m a fool, Ellana. The way I reacted was uncalled for. I should have trusted you more.”

“Cullen,” she turned to him and saw his gaze downcast, staring at a frayed section of her duvet. “Look at me, please.” He did, and she noticed that his eyes were shining. “Don’t ever, for even one moment, think that I don’t trust you. I trust you with my life. You are the one I love most.”

“Yes,” he murmured, jaw tensed as he swallowed back the sudden surge of emotion. “I’m truly sorry for the things I said and for running away. I have always wanted a family of my own but never thought I would be lucky enough to have one, until you. It was hard for me to accept, but I do, now, and I understand why this… needs to be done.”

He came towards her then, and she wrapped her shaking arms around him, hiding her face in his neck as she tried to fight back her tears, but they ran in rivulets down her cheeks, dripping from her quivering chin. “I don’t want this, Cullen, I don’t want to do this, but I can’t afford to be selfish.”

“You’ve been selfless enough for a lifetime.”

“I—I can’t. I can’t.”

“You can. Make your own choice, Ellana. Forget the Inquisition, forget Thedas, forget it all. Do what you wish.”

“What I wish?” She leaned back to look at him and he smiled a sad, gentle smile, and pushed a lock of stray hair behind her pointed ear. “What I wish is for this damn war to be over, and for Corypheus to fall. What I wish is to move far from here and live, with you by my side, until the day we die.”

“We will have that, Ellana. All of it. One day soon.” 

She looked down at her hands once more. Anger, frustration, and resentment suddenly bubbled up inside her, emotions she had refused to let herself feel all this time, for fear they would cloud her judgment. Her fingers clenched around the bottle’s neck, and she damned the potion to the deepest darkest depths of the Void.

She damned Corypheus for killing the Divine, for giving her the mark, for killing everyone at the Conclave, for murdering so many innocents. She damned the Inquisition for forcing her hand, for giving her no choice but to become the Herald, become the Inquisitor. She damned the Maker and Andraste, if they even existed, for making this her fate. 

She damned them all for the vision of Cullen, holding their newborn child, pressing loving kisses against her brow, gazing at her, wonderstruck, like she had given him the  _ world _ . 

With a cry, she threw the bottle across the room where it shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, splattering across the stone floor like ichor.

Cullen pulled her flush against him, holding her tightly against his chest, murmuring into her hair as she cried, “We will find a way. We will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be one more chapter - an ending of sorts. It's just for feel-good fluff and all that jazz. My favorite when it comes to Ser Cullen Rutherford. Also, a little smut (or a lot, you know how it is)


	10. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian is a wonderful friend, Solas finds a way, and Cullen shows his Inquisitor just how much he cares for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ensues~
> 
> So, this is the end. If it seems anticlimactic, I'm sorry, but this is always how I wanted it to end! Nice and fluffy. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this. I have more works planned for the future. If you'd like to see more, you could always subscribe ;)  
> I'm participating in the ADORIBULL Big Bang this year, with a fairy tale AU, so that'll be interesting. After that I have plans for a Solavellan fic, also an unplanned pregnancy AU, and hopefully a Victorian era style fic for Cullen/Lavellan or Trevelyan, later. I'm also contemplating a MGiT because WHY NOT lmao
> 
> If you liked this, leave a comment to let me know. If there's anything else you would like to see, let me know as well and maybe I can add in some more scenes. This is a kind of short chapter, I know, but there you have it! lol
> 
> UNEDITED.

“I’m too young to be an uncle!” Dorian leaned fully into Bull’s side, and the Qunari had to shift his drink from one hand to the other to keep it from spilling over Dorian’s lap. The table before them wasn’t safe from his dramatics either, shaking under the force of the mage’s fist slamming against the top in feigned dissent. Thankfully no one else on the second floor of the tavern looked their way, obviously quite used to Dorian’s antics. “I was supposed to be this eccentric yet charming silver-haired vision of beauty! I haven’t even grown my first grey hair! This is outrageous.”

“Keep acting like this and you’ll have your greys in no time,” Bull said, turning towards his mage, who was trying to keep up his disagreeing facade but failing as a smile spread across his face. “Mmmm, I can imagine it now. You’d look good grey.”

“I look good in _everything ._ ” He managed to look annoyed for a moment but he then turned to the expecting parents and grinned. “I really am happy for you though. You may give the child to me at any time. No harm will come to it of course, though it may come home looking far more presentable.” Then Dorian glared at them, reaching across the table to poke Cullen’s chest with a rigid finger. “I see how you dress. You’re disgusting. Your poor children are going to be ridiculed for their lack of fashion sense.”

The Commander rubbed at his chest where Dorian had jabbed him so hard he’d left a wrinkle in the fabric of his tunic. Laughter roared from below while Maryden sang a particularly raunchy song. Ellana was sure he was regretting not wearing his armor. “I’m fashionable enough.”

“Says the farm-boy ex-Templar. You have perpetual grass stains on your knees and dirt under your fingernails. I do hope you wash your hands before ravishing our dear —”

“Congrats, boss,” Bull interrupted, just in time for Cullen’s face to turn the deepest shade of red. Ellana didn’t know whether to laugh or run away. “It’s going to be one cute kid.”

The Inquisitor and her Commander glanced at each other, sharing loving smiles, and Cullen slid his hand across her thigh under the table to take her hand in his, stroking along her palm with his thumb. 

“Yes, congratulations are in order. For all of my complaining, I am truly happy for you both, and I wish you the very best of luck.” Dorian lifted his own mug to his lips and daintily took a sip, licking the foam from his top lip. Bull watched the path the mage’s tongue took across his skin with lust, and Ellana fought a hard eye-roll at that. “Also, if the child isn’t named after me, I will never forgive you.”

“And what if it’s a girl?” Cullen asked. 

“Dorianna. Dorinna. We can get creative with it.”

“I refuse to name my child after the man who squealed like a stuck nug from the smallest splinter.”

“You _wound_ me!” Dorian brought the back of his hand to his forehead in shock, recovering quickly to defend his honor. He rattled on, making wide gestures with his arms, effectively smacking Bull on the cheek. The Qunari grabbed the offending limb and pulled Dorian against him, quirking an eyebrow in obvious amusement when the mage squeaked and a flush spread across his cheeks. The corner of his mustache twitched.

“Keep going like this and we’ll see if I can put a baby on _you_.” Bull all but growled, and Ellana swiftly turned to Cullen, who was attempting to look anywhere but the horny couple sitting before them. When he saw the Inquisitor looking he chuckled with secondhand embarrassment, and lifted her hand to press a gentle kiss against her knuckles. 

Her heart fluttered in her chest, faster than the beat of a butterfly’s wings. She leaned forward subconsciously, swallowing back a noise of content as her lips caressed his. Cullen’s lips pulled tightly under hers, and then suddenly they were no longer kissing but laughing wholeheartedly. He touched the side of her face reverently, gaze filled with a wondrous love. 

“Keep looking at me like that,” she said, fisting a hand into the front of his shirt to pull him closer, uncaring of the eyes that were on them then. “And we’ll see how quickly we can make _another."_

~~~~~

“I meant what I said last night,” Dorian said, gently fingering the titles along the bookcase, scanning for a particular volume. “I am happy for you.”

“Thank you, Dorian.” Ellana placed her hand on his arm and smiled gratefully.

“I may not know much about barrier magic, but thankfully we have time before our next journey out of Skyhold, which I will spend researching. You are so lucky that I love you, my friend. I could be using this time to do just about anything else — sipping tea while gazing longingly out of the window yearning for home, staring at Bull’s beautiful bosoms, or throwing books down to Solas’s desk just to hear him _sigh."_ He pretended to glower, taking an especially large book from the shelf to add to the growing pile beside his plush velvet reading chair. “Instead I’m looking for ways to help our Dalish Inquisitor, a _mage_ no less, protect the child growing inside her womb, gifted to her by a former Templar turned military Commander _out of wedlock._ I can’t wait until Mother Giselle hears of this. She may faint.”

Ellana laughed and added a book of her own to the tower. It teetered dangerously, but thankfully did not fall. “I wish you’d stop harassing Solas like that.”

“That’s what you took away from what I said?” Dorian rolled his eyes and plopped down onto the chair, crossing one leg over the other and picking up the first book on the stack. “I can’t help myself. The light reflects off the top of his bald egg-head and blinds me. I’m only seeking retribution. That, and he’s such a pompous ass.”

“He’d probably say the same about you.” 

“At least I have _hair_ ,” he said, opening the text to the first page. “Why don’t you go ask him about barrier magic? I know you wanted to keep this a secret for as long as possible, but the sooner we figure this out, the better. Barrier magic _is_ his forte.” Dorian twirled the end of his mustache between his fingers, eyes skimming along the paragraphs quickly, searching for an answer. When he saw she hadn’t moved he looked up and waved her away with a flick of his wrist. “That was me dismissing you. I have very important things to do, you know.”

“Alright alright,” she mumbled and shoved Dorian’s foot from where it sat over his knee, causing him to pitch forward. He glared at her as she walked away with a quick, “I love you! Thank you!” 

Ellana took the stairs down to the rotunda, pausing in the open doorway to watch Solas lift a brush coated in black to the mural on the wall. The movement of the brush was elegant, effortless, much like the actions of the man in question. From afar his movements made him look ethereal, god-like, but upon closer inspection it was easy to see the smear of paint across his shirt, and flecks of black across his cheeks like freckles. 

“ _On dhea’him_ , Solas.”

“Ah, _lethallin_ ,” he turned towards her and smiled pleasantly, sticking his brush back inside the can of paint to give her his full attention. “It’s good to see you. Is there something you need?”

“Actually, yes, there is. I…” She hesitated to admit it and looked away, focusing on the wall behind him where he had been painting the branches of tall, dark trees. “I have a question.”

“I will gladly answer if I can.” Solas motioned for her to sit at his desk, circling around to perch on the edge across from her, palm flat on the surface to steady him while he leaned forward. His gaze was penetrating, and she felt certain he already knew what she was about to say. “How may I help you?”

Ellana looked towards the doorway quickly, making sure that they were truly alone, and lowered her voice to a quiet murmur. “I’m… expecting.” 

There was a mischievous glint in his eyes yet his expression stayed passive. “Expecting a visit?”

She bit her lip and tried not to roll her eyes. “A child.” 

“Ah, yes, of course.” The apostate’s lips twitched into a small smile. “Congratulations are in order.”

“How long have you known?” She asked, leaning fully into the back of the chair and sighing. 

“Since the beginning, I suppose. Your presence in the Fade changed, only by a minuscule, but enough for a practiced dreamer to notice. It’s as if the color of your aura shifted, slightly. And then I happened upon your dream.”

Her conception dream. “You were watching me?”

“Yes, but not like you're thinking. I cannot control what I see or what the Fade chooses to show me when I enter.” He stood and walked in a circle around the desk, stopping at her side, kneeling to her level. Anyone else would have thought his face void of emotion, but she knew him better. The corners of his lips curled ever so slightly upwards, matching the wrinkled edges of his eyes. “But I knew from what I saw.”

“Do you know if there’s a way to protect it?” The Inquisitor chewed at her bottom lip, wincing when the skin broke and peeled away like the skin of an apple. “To protect the baby, and myself?”

“There are some precautions we can take, some preventative measures, but Ellana,” Solas took her hand in an attempt to reassure her, but she had already known there would be no perfect answer. “There will still be danger. Barriers can be created — strong barriers — but they can also be torn down. Corypheus has a power that we cannot fathom.” At her desperate expression he patted her hand once more, and stood. “We will do everything we can, do not worry. I know of runes that can promote the strength of a barrier, and talismans, though they may be difficult to find. There is also a spell I’m not entirely surprised you don’t know about. It is Elvhen in origin, and quite powerful. I will need some time to prepare.”

“ _Ma serannas, hahren_.” Ellana grinned and stood, feeling the weight of her anxiety slowly lift from her chest. Her breath came easier, then, knowing that Solas would take care of it. 

“I thought I told you to stop calling me that, _da’len._ ”

The Inquisitor laughed loudly, throwing her head back. When she looked to Solas again his smile had widened, more sincere than she had seen from him in a long time. “Truly, Solas, thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure, my friend.”

~~~~~

The bright yellow stone fell against the soft supple flesh of her breasts, cool to the touch, almost unnaturally so, but it provided great solace for Ellana, who had taken to holding it tightly in her hand as she slept, finding herself willing it to _save them, unfailingly_ , when she awoke most mornings.

This morning, however, she woke not to the talisman in her grip, but to the slick feeling of a tongue parting her folds and fingers delving deep as she unconsciously thrusted back, urging them deeper. Cullen moaned, thick with sleep, and pressed himself closer against her mound. 

He let go suddenly and Ellana whined at the loss of him, wanting to feel his rough hands gripping her thighs, forcing them open, but instead he turned her to her side, lifted her left leg up and towards her chest, and pressed in from behind, chest to back. 

It was tight. She could feel every ridge of him inside her, gliding, rubbing so deliciously she couldn’t control the wanton moan that slipped from between her rosy lips, stained from the bite of her teeth. He moved slowly, but with the precision of a practiced lover, thrusting hard in just the right places. Cullen groaned when her walls tightened around him, hissing as she eased up. His hand dove between her legs to rub against her wet clit.

When they finished it was together. A symphony of pants and moans filled the room. Cullen stayed planted inside of her as they both enjoyed the glow of satisfaction that came after. 

He rubbed a hand along her bicep, trailing his fingers down over the peak of her sensitive breast, past her navel to rest lightly against the bottom of her distended stomach. Cullen pressed kisses against her shoulder, and she could feel the way his lips pulled into a smile as he felt the flutter of his child against her skin. Her chest filled with butterflies again. 

“You are so loved,” he whispered, pressing his forehead to the back of her neck. She could feel his breath fanning hotly across her skin. Ellana’s hand found his and he interlaced their fingers. Cullen held her against him, tightly, as if he never wanted to let go. “My darling, you are _so loved._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On dhea'him - good afternoon  
> ma serannas - thank you
> 
> Just in case you didn't know already :) 
> 
> Leave a comment if you like! :)


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